SEPTEMBER 11, 2005

12:08am. It has been a year since we had a big falling out. That night, I had a lot of questions. Questions that up to now have been left unanswered. How could something so perfect end so ugly? How can this happen when everything was doing fine? Was it really fine? As far as I can remember, days before September 11, 2005, we already started fighting. Misunderstandings that were brought about my honesty. That I was too honest in telling you how I felt towards you. My dreamland then started to crumble into a pile of rubble. I tried my best to keep us from falling apart, that I wanted to save our friendship. But because of one text message, all my efforts did not pay off.

What was in that message that made you so angry that you can’t even forgive me?

For months I tried to figure out what was in that message. Days ago, I had the courage to ask the one who sent you that. I got what I was looking for, but not its entirety. He told me that he texted you that me and my friends (our friends) were making fun of you by calling you names. He thought that you would just let it pass and that it was nothing but he was wrong. You took it the other way around. You went berserk over that message and texted me that I’m one backstabbing jerk. I was surprised. Really. I didn’t have the faintest idea what the hell just happened. When we saw you in your dorm, all mad and stressed out, I knew that this was not right. That this is something big. I tried to talk to you but he insisted that he should be OUR mediator. All I could do was sit and wait for something to happen. When I got the chance to talk to you, I asked you why you were acting in such way. You told me you were really stressed out with everything. I advised you to take it one at a time and “wag mu i-haggard ang sarili mu”. You simply snapped back “isa lang naman nagpapa haggard saken…IKAW!”. Then you walked away without even glancing back. That night I was lost. I tried texting and calling you yet you wont answer me.

The next day, the day of the competition, we never said anything to each other. Only a few glances at each other and nothing more. I wanted go near you, to hug you and wish you good luck. Minutes before dancing, our coach told me to help you, that left me with no choice but to chat with you a bit. I said:

“Ey, good luck…”

You said

“I’m sorry.”

“Huh?”

“I’m sorry…para sayo to, para sayo toh…”

And then we hugged, then rushed to the court to dance.


I’ll never forget that day.

Today is September 11, 2005. Exactly one year after everything. Yet here I am, wallowing in thoughts about you. Yes, I still love you in spite of everything that happened. Sounds pathetic huh? Embarrassing as it may seem but that’s how I feel. I don’t understand why I still feel this way towards you. Maybe because you left hanging and never cleared things up with me. Maybe because I envy the two of you every single day that I see you together happy and here I am in one corner filled with pain. Maybe because I’m one hopeless romantic who’s so into you. There are a lot of reasons why. Even I myself could not see through them. Every single day I try to look happy on the outside, yet inside my heart is screaming in anguish.

In a month’s time, I’ll be leaving this university to go on with my life. I wish that as I leave everything behind, I will be able to pick myself up and move on. That I can finally let it all go and move on. I hope I can do this. I know I can.