Blackout

Last night, there was a blackout which drove me to hit the sack early. Good thing I had my Zen charged so I thought of watching a movie before dozing off to lalaland. Then I got an unexpected message from someone I least expected to hear from. He wanted to talk to me. Erm, OK I agreed. It has been a good three or so weeks since we last talked, really talked. Things have never been cleared so maybe this was the time to bury the hatchet or whatever.

It started the usual, are-you-mad-how-are-you charade that exes usually say to one another. It was sort of surreal, weird and sad. I never thought that I would have the chance to feel that. Nina's song Constantly was gently playing on the background. On a cool dark night, here I was talking, listening to every word, trying to understand and keep an open mind.

I'm narrow-minded. That comment surprised me. Well, maybe at times I was, sometimes not really. So the conversation went on. He saw me at the mall but didn't bother to say Hi. He reads my blog. He checks my YM status every day. Well, I'm also guilty of doing the latter.

Then I asked him why he let me walk away. He simply told me that he was not the type who would force himself on somebody. If the other wants out, then he lets them go. That's where he screwed up. If only he gave me enough reason to stay, then maybe, just maybe, I would have stayed. But then he didn't.

Pushing someone away is easier than convincing them to stay.

From my side, that's how I saw everything. That's how most of the days felt. That he gave me a lot of reason to give up on him. To just say enough is enough and find the will to just leave. Then the revelations came. Sure it would have been a sweet dinner at somewhere fancy in the middle of a crowded city. But then, you were 3 weeks late in inviting me out.

He asked what was I up to in the last few weeks. I simply said "Same old, same old.". That's how my life has been. Back to being a full time friend with an undivided attention. Mall weekends, movies, lazy days at home and rounds of drinks at night. That's how I used to live before him, I just went back to my old habits.

Yet at the end of a Friday, I always think of what to do. I had an entire weekend before me with nothing to do and nobody to be with. Sure I was used to being alone. But the past three or so months showed me how to spend weekends the way couples do. so much for reminiscing. It was nice, sweet and a complete break from my usual weekends for the past 25 years.

I don't do sadness, I just don't care. Being the stuck-up bitch that I am, I always look tough. That's how I am, that's how I will always be. The stuck-up bitch who was too proud to admit that he's hurting inside. I just don't like people to see me fragile. But friends know better. They know how to hold me tight when I feel like falling apart. They accompany me to my insane mall trips and rounds of booze. We know little about pain and regret, except they are both soluble in alcohol. At the end of the day, no matter how wasted I become, they will always be there. Boyfriends may come and go, but real friends, just like fashion, is forever.

The conversation progressed to different things like my fridge dying a sudden death, which thankfully didn't happen, and all the other light stuff to talk about. He was laughing on the other other end. I still crack him up because of my crazy ideas and thoughts. Somehow it was a good talk but it sure left me a lot of things to think about. I told him that I won't do anything to win him back, at this point. I was done going after him. If he wanted to have me back, then he would have to make a bold gesture.

He's free now. He can do what he wants, he can date whoever he likes. Never mind the 3-month rule. I know he can have somebody in a matter of days.

As the night progressed, I felt that I needed to turn in. I said goodbye and it was over. For now.

I curled myself, hugged my pillow and hoped that tonight will be a peaceful night. No bad dreams, no weird feeling when waking up.