12 midnight
For most people, it is late in the night. This is way past everyone's bedtime. I'm wide awake and procrastinating. Yes, i need to study for my exams next week. Which by the way i need to pass or i'll surely fail, again. Honestly i have no idea why took my masters. Work is already demanding and i can't even manage everything. Now, i added more to my plate. 2 months into the program and i barely passed anything.
Come what may.
Somehow, things will come into place and i'll figure out what to do. And i'm hoping that i'll figure it out soon. With all the crazy things going on in my life, i can't help but feel all tired and stressed out.
The rain is pouring and the wind is howling outside. Damn. A hot cup of tea and some chill out music - just what i need. The downside of this weather, it makes me think of a lot of things. Yes, i've been distracted, distant and totally confused lately. Must be the stress and lack of sleep. But i'm hoping i hold it all together before i crack.
Crack. Nope, i'm not on any drug or any substance. You know when people tell you that you are like on crack when you are all in love and happy?
Happy?
Maybe. Yes. No. I don't really know.
The past weeks have been a challenge to us. All those fights and words just complicated things. Cant a month pass by without us fighting? Honestly, it has been a routine and a part of every week. I'm starting to get irritated by it all.
Patience was never my virtue. Until now. I think.
I try my best to just shut up and take all of the shit you hurl at me. Sometimes it makes me think whether you really love me or not. The way to attack me with words makes me reassess why the hell i'm in this relationship. We disagree on a lot of things but i don't think i deserve those words.
Deep breath. InHELL, exHELL. Repeat 10 times.
I'm trying my best to compromise and be as understanding as possible. But until when? When will you learn to think less of yourself and think of what i feel as well?
Selfish.
We both are. And i don't know until when i can take all of the crap. All of the fights and bickering are taking a toll on me. I wish i was a rock so i wont feel anything. But i'm not. I may be a stuck up bitch at times but deep inside it hurts, big time.
Tonight, with the rain lapping on my window and the wind howling, i wish for a peaceful sleep. Hoping that when i wake up, i'll see the sun, shining high up in the sky. And with that, the hope that all of this would go away and we could both move forward. Together or not, i yearn for the best.
:(
