can't help myself

feb 23 na, birthday ni suyin, nasa philcoa kami nina drei and dax. pagod. bagot. sawi. kelan kaya to mawawala?. pagod na ako sa training dahil malapit na ang concert. pagod na ako sa acads, pero may break kasi di ako masyadong busy. pero higit sa lahat, pagod na ako sa pag aalala sayo. kagabi, super depressed ako. di ko alam kung bakit nagkaganon. and alam ko lang dahil sa stress. STRESS=IKAW.nakaka stress ang pag-ibig. sabi nila "love makes the world go around". oo nga around nga, pero sa sobrang pag-ikot nito, nakatuon lng sayo. oo, sayo umiikot and aking "make believe" na mundo ko. nakakaloka ano?

break. natuwa ako. pumasa ako sa finance, pati sa exam sa convergys.baka my trbaho ako sa summer. ang saya ano? pero hindi. masaya man ako sa aspetong ito, i still can't deny the fact na malungkot ang lovelife ko. ay! teka, wait, sandali. ang tanong, "meron ba?". hahay. ang gulo.

sabi mo depressed ka today. di mo ma gets kung bakit. sinabi ko na sobrang depressed din ako, pero kahapon nga lang. tinatanong mo ako kung bakit, sabi ko wala lng. di ko gets. pero sa loob loob ko, IKAW and dahilan. sabi nga ni drei at dax, move on na daw ako. la akong mapapala sayo kundi heartache. OO na, talaga ngang HEARTBREAKER KA! ouch.

ewan. sabi nga nila love is blind. oo bulag ako. nabulag ako dahil umasa ako. pathetic noh? duh! TANGA lng talaga ako. galing ko magbigay ng advice sa iba pero sarili ko di ko matulungan.ironic noh?

ganito na lang tlaga cgro papel ko sa buhay. magmamahal, aasa, masasaktan, magpaka bitter, magpaka tanga.

pero ang di ko talaga gagawin ay ang iyakan ka. di ikaw ang unang magppaiyak saken. di pa pinapanganak ang taong magpapaiyak sa akin.

over and out.

love afFAIR

the dreaded febuary 14 was not so bad after all. i started the day by wearing one of the best outfits that i've got. everything went on well, until around 2.30 pm when somebody "trivial" in my life showed up. yep, who know who this person is. i just dont wanna put the name in here. there he was walking to his class without even bothering to say hi. oh well, it was partly my fault too. i was too busy with my friends. well, he never cared anyway what others would feel, what i would feel. he's just plain insensitive!

i continued my daily routine of going to AS for snacks and then to the dorm to get my training stuff. february 14 was somewhat special this year. i had a date. hahaha! i dunno if it really was a date. after texting me with really late, i still agreed to spend the first fair day with him (di to c heartbreaker ha!) hehehe. i was in katipunan until around 11pm and we met to spend the remaining hours of hearts day together.

it was just plain talk and walk around the fair. bumping every now and then with people we know, including past loves and crushes..hehehe...so much for being bitter! we called it a night at aroung 1.10 am coz he needed to finish a project and i'm already tired because of training.

that night struck me.

thoughts...

today is febuary 9, 2005, chinese new year. later i'll be at the UP gym to attend the stunts workshop and the training for the concert. last night i was joging at the acad oval with RJ. there were moment of silence where both of us just kept quiet, focused on jogging and pondered on some thoughts. there were a lot of things racing inside my head, acads, pep life, family, friends and the dreaded love life. here i go again thinking of you. yesterday i talked to a friend about you. i know i'm so stupid. i try to hang on to the good memories that we've had. sooner or later, i have to let go of them. i hope i let go of it now. but, how soon is now? it has been months, still a part of me is chained to those thoughts.

whatever. screw love. i guess i'm one of the many people who experience this longing feeling as Valentines day draws near. another year of feeling lonely and down. i ahve my friends with me. i guess that will be enough to warm me up on monday.

until i get over you

its been months since i last wrote something here. i didn't even remember my username. looking at the last one i posted, i realized that the ride has been really rough. all this time i thought that i'd easily get over heartbreaker. but i was wrong. for these past few days that we have been together, i thought about it and yes, the feeling is still there. i dont know why. i dont get it why i feel jealous everytime you talk to that other person, why you care for him so much. did i ever matter to you? hahay...just another pathetic line for me.



i keep on asking myself why i feel this. as valentines day draws near, i stop and think. yes, i am alone again this year. last year, i celebrated hearts day at Malate with some friends, this year i dunno. when somebody asks me the question " are you happy?" i always answer YES. but then i realize, am i really happy? happiness is of many forms. i sit and assess my so-called happy state. Yes, indeed i am happy because, i have my family and friends with me but there is a something inside of me that is missing.



maybe because i still love that person and that is the emptiness that i feel. everytime i see you i say "i've moved on.".everytime i see you i say " yah,we're just friends.". but everytime you look at me and smile, i end up saying "syet, ang hirap mg pretend.". sad but true...



LR