it's over...

matapos ang ilang linggo ng kaba, medjo ok na kagabi. pinili na ang top 25 pips na kasali sa compet. salamat at nakasali ako pero maraming pang sinabi si coach bago un.hahay. ewan...wag nang dibdibin at baka umiyak pa ako.

masaya ako dahil dumating din ang mga bagong uniforms. sosyal tingnan mero sablay ang mga sukat. hahay. napagod kami a routine A pero masaya ako dahil nagagawa ko ang ginagawa ni raef kay suy! hehehe...basta, UP FIGHT!

natuwa ako dahil naaprove na niya testi ko sa kanya. wala lang. nung summer pa kasi un. sana naman at maisipan niya akong gawan. hahay...miss HOPE nga talaga ako sabi nga ni ali. nawalan xa ng jacket, naiwan daw kasi sa CR before pa magsimula ang training. hahay. katangahan...syempre, di nman pwede na ibigay ko ung saken d ba? pinaghirapan ko un! kahit lve ko pa xa, ngek! asa pa!!!

hahay...sana nga magng maganda ang sem na ito...go lang ng go! compet, feasib, pep, acads...bahala na...

i was right

somewhere inside my guts, i felt that they were together. i guess my senses were right, they were indeed together last night. the blog proved my intuition. i'm sure they all had a wonderful night. a night i'll never experience. a night that will remain only as a figment of my imagination, a part of a dream that would never become a reality.

like knives cutting through my heart, i felt a deep stab wounding me deeply. this wound never healed. it continues to ache every single day of my life. i've tried so many times to cure it, but i guess all my efforts were useless.

ihave to leave it all behind.

i have to let you go...

sabado nights

SABADO ngayon. gimik night para sa maraming tao.

FETE de La Musique daw sa Podium. oh well, gusto ko sanang pumunta kaso wala akong kasama. tutoot! tutoot! biglang pasok ang text message ng friend ko asking me kung asan daw ako. i simply said na nasa dorm ako. he told me that he was in the Fete with some friends. being the curious cat that i was, tinanong ko kung kasama ba niya SIYA. after a long time of waiting and series of missed calls, he replied, but he never answered my question.

BORED ako buong araw. pumunta ako ng katips kanina kasama mga dorm mates ko. nanuod ng basketball game sa kalayaan dorm at umuwi na. feeling ko magkakasakit ako kanina. ang init ng pakiramdam ko. pero sa awa ng diyos at nawala pagkatapos kong bumaba at makisaya sa mga nag papa-sign ng sigsheet.

ROOM. humiga at pinilit ang sarili matulog. di ko magawa. naiisip ko kasi na magkasama sila. eh anong bago dun? hahay. wala naman, kaso di kasi namin yan nagawa nung mga masasayang araw namin. never kami gumumik together. never kami ngpakuha ng pictures, never kami nag usap ng matino.

CLOSURE. un ang bagay na wala samen. OO, alam ko na walang "KAMI" pero sana man lang nagkaroon ako ng chance na masabi sa kanya ang lahat ng gusto kong sabihin. maraming bagay ang di namin napaguapan. nag away, nagtampuhan, nagkabati na lng at lahat, never kami nag usap. weird noh?

ONE DAY ONLY. sabi ng roommate ko pano daw pag bbinigyan ako ng chance para makasama SIYA isang araw bilang KAMI papayag daw ba ako? napaisip ako. kaya ko bang maging masaya ng isang araw lang at masaktan ulit sa susunod? kaya ko bang makasama siya ngayon at bukas hindi na?

SAGOT. sabi ko ayoko. bakit? kasi ayaw ko maging unfair sa sarili ko at sa kanya. oo, ipokrita ako kung sasabihin kong di ako magiging masaya kung naging kami even for just one day. ang iniisip ko, sasaya nga ako kaso panandalian lang. masakit yun. nagyon kayo, bukas sila na ulit. ouch!

PC. ito ang tanging outlet ko ng mga feelings ko. kung makakapagreklamo lang toh, malamang sukang-suka na ang PC saken. wala na akong ibang sinabi dito kundi ang mga kasawian ko sa buhay. kelan pa kaya ako mgiging masaya sa buhay ko? kelan ko pa kaya mararanasang mahal din ako ng minamahal ko?

TANONG. minahal niya kaya ako ng sobra sa isang kaibigan? kahit minsan kaya naisip niya na magiging kaming dalawa pero natatakot lang siya sa sasabihin ng iba? ito ang lan lamang sa maraming tanong ko na naghihintay ng kasagutan. sana man lang bao ako umalis sa Unibersidad ay maliwanagan ako.

CONFUSED. bangag ako sa mga nangyari sa buhay ko for the past 9 months. pathetic noh? di makapag let go? hahay. moving on is easy, letting go is the hardest thing to do. hirap makalimutan ang isang taong natutunan mu nang mahalin. sana matuto na akong bumitaw. pagod na ako.

tama na. amat na ako sayo...

sTiChEs

june 9, 2005 would be a day i would never forget. while practicing lifts for the upcoming UAAP Cheerdance competition, i had a somewhat painful and bloody accident. while bry,pam and i were trying to learn how to do a basket toss, pam slipped from our crossed hands with her chin crashing down onto my head. ouch! was what i could say. i placed my hands on the spot where her chin smaked down. little did i know that blood was already dripping on my forehead. sounds gorry huh? oh well, when i remove my hand, all i could see was blood. i stared at my bloody hand with big wide eyes. i never liked blood, except in movies of course. that's why i never wanted to pursue a career in medicine.

coach lala arrived and advised me to go to the infirmary. syet1 i asked the other people about my lasceration, they said that it was small an there was no need for stitches. with RJ and pam by my side, off we wnet to the infirmary riding RJ's car. the moment that we entered the emergency room, the nurse attended us right away and made us fill up a few details. when the doctor examined the wound, he decided to stich me up! F*CK!!! i have this fear of anything related to scissors, thread, blood and the doctor's operating table. good thing i had pam and RJ with me. RJ offered me to hold his hand during the operation.

oh my god! i saw the nurses prepare the tools or whatever. i saw them take out a nasty syringe ang filled it up with anesthesia (hope i got the spelling right!). at first, my concern was if i could take a bath, style my hair with wax and the like. but then i realized that i should think first about my scalp. i would most like;y get a "poknat" or that space in the scalp where hair does not grow anymore due to the operation.

then it all began. i felt a stinging sensation in my head as the doctor injected my head with the anesthesia. i held on tightly to RJ's hand. to cut the story short, i got 2 stitches on my head right now. i have to drink 2 kinds of medicine 3 times a day. after the operation, we went back to the gym to resume training. hehehe...i didn't dance nor lift anyone anymore.

jume 10, 2005. i went back to the infirmary to get my anti-whatever shots. believe me, they were kinda painful. you will feel this stinging sensation as the needle enters your skin and feel more pain as the nurse injects the medicine inside. hahaha! sound yucky huh? hehehe...anyway, everything went well. i paid my tuition, had snacks with ali and fabs, then went to training.

well, i did not really do the stunts like the headstand and the like but still i danced. hahay...so much for being a dancer. hehehe...but i guess, its worth it. i love what i do and i'm sure that this season will be hotter than ever. i hope that the wound will heal really fast so i could do the things i used to do like taking a decent bath!

for now, gotta go. i have to wash my hair so that it would not stink like hell! hehehe

out!

LR and stitch

when teardrops fall...

the past days have been really rough. with the pep training being more strenuous than ever, i can't help but make the most out of what i have left. i try to sleep really early but my mind would not permit me. thousands of thoughts are racing inside my mind. i've been thinking of the cheering competition, the halftimes, my acads, people, and myself. i'm amazed at the fact that i am able to juggle all thses things for the past three years of my college life. this is my last sem hopefully and i plan to make it into a memorable one.

sleepless nights. with the rain heavily pouring outside, i lie on my bed, stressed out and tired. i tried to bore myself to sleep by reading books but my efforts were in vain. then i started to take my mobile, missed called a handful of people, and waited for even just one to send me a text message. i started reading my age-old messages in my inbox. sojme were dated last 2001, others were just this year. when i read the message i got from suy, tears started to well in my eyes. i dunno why. i jut felt this sudden surge of loneliness flowing into my very being.

sniff sniff. after a few i-dont-wanna-cry-moments, tears started rolling down my cheeks. i couldn't stop them. they were as if they had a life of their own. i began to realize that my life wasn't perfect after all. yes, i do have a lot of friends, a loving family, a supportive and wacky pep squad, good college, and a love of my life. darn is all that i could say. i'm blessed with a lot of things that other people would want yet i am not happy. i may not have every material thing that i desire but i am rich in people who care for me.

i cried and cried, trying to hide my sobs and sniffs from my already asleep roomates. i wondered. why the hell am i crying like this? the last good cry that i can remember was during the farewell party of my batch mates. that night, i felt that my chest was about to explode. i wanted to scream all my pains. i wanted to just let it all go. i want it all gone and over with.

a friend of mine said that no love life would ever take the place of being in the competition. that i need to be strong to get through all this. YES, I AM STRONG. i tried to hide all the pain that i feel from the world. i tried to wear a thousand masks to hide what i truly feel. i tried to look tough. yet underneath this facade i'm wearing lies a broken soul. my hearts aches every time i look at him. all the good and bad memories come crashing down on me.

my life is a play and i am the actor. a play about how a cynic like me fell for someone i never wanted from the very start. a story of how a hopeless romantic loved a then perfect person. this play has been going on for almost a year. the ending is uncertain. as long as i live, this will go on and the charaters will change. many people will walk in and out of my life but only a few will leave lasting marks that i would remember for the rest of my days.

unlike all love stories that end in happily ever after, mine turned out to be the opposite. so far, this chapter of my life has a bitter ending. heartbreak. ouch is all i could say. a friend told me that sensed all the bitterness in me. he's right. i still feel that. i dunno when this freeling will go away. but i hope that it would be soon. as of now, all i could do i let go of everything...and i mean everything...

tonight, asi lie down on my bed, with the rain pouring gently, with the wind blowing softly, i cuddle my pillows underneath the covers and hope that as i sleep, i let all thoughts go away.

i wish that this night, not a single teardrop will fall...

tag-ulan

di pa naguumpisa ang pasukan, umuulan na. minsan masaya pero minsan nakakainis din. ang hirap kasi na nababasa eh. masaya ako dahil ang bilis ko natapos mag rej. ang saya, pano, double priority kasi. hehehe...varsity na, graduating pa! hehehe. un nga lang, di pa ako nagbabayad. pano, tatay ko pasaway. ewan ko dun. wala na atang plano un na bigyan ako ng pera. tinitipid daw ba ako ng sobra sobra! hahay. ewan!

ang saya ng naging baksayon ko ng isang linggo. mall dito, kain doon, gala dito, moviee doon. kakaiba! kaya siguro naghihigpit tatay ko. hehehe. rumaket kami sa NBA thing. ayun, nakita namin ung houston rockets powerdancers. hanep! kakaiba! ang lalaki ng B**bs! wawa ung ibang pep girls na kasama namin. hehehe. napili si andrea na magsayaw with them. sayang nga lang at di namin napanood! ay eto pa! si via at ino, proud parents na! nanganak si via nung friday at the same time anniv din nila via at ino un! hehehe

ang saya ng vacation ko. at sa wakas! nakita ko na si dax! sobrang na miss ko siya! as in! walang halong joke! hahay. wala lang. may isa pa akong na miss. malamang kilala ng lahat kung sino. oh well, at least nag tetext na kami. at wag ka! nagkita kami sa SM north. usap ng konti at text ng konti after. hahay. kahit na haggard ako sa araw ko. ok lang. natuwa naman ako eh. pero wala lang. iba feeling ko nung nakita ko siya. halong saya at lungkot. masaya ako dahil nakita at nakausap ko iya. malungkot dahil alam ko, sa iba na siya. hahay. ewan. basta, one thing's for sure:

"oo, mahal ko pa..."

Buhay

Patuloy tayong namumuhay sa mundong ito. nararanasan natin ang halos lahat na ng emosyon na alam ng tao. nasubukan nating maging masaya, tumawa at humalakhak. may mga panahon naman na tayo ay malungkot, nagmumukmok, lumuluha. halu-halo ang mga naaramdaman natin. minsan napapaisip ako, bakit ganito ang huhay ng tao? sadya ba talagang ginawa ng diyos ang mundo na magulo? o tayo lang ang nagpapagulo? ewan. sa tingin ko, nasa plano ng diyos ang lahat ng nangyayari sa buhay ng tao. pero parang ang sama ng dating nun, pinaplano ng diyos na masaktan tayo sa isang bahagi ng buhay natin? di ba siya naaawa sa atin? siguro nga, un ang kanyang paraaan para malaman kung gano tayo katatag. sabi nga nila binibigyan tayo ng panginoon ng pagsubok kasi alam niya kaya natin. malaki ang kanyang tiwala niya sa kakayahan natin kesa sa tiwala natin sa sarili.

ang galing Niya ano?