the past days have been really rough. with the pep training being more strenuous than ever, i can't help but make the most out of what i have left. i try to sleep really early but my mind would not permit me. thousands of thoughts are racing inside my mind. i've been thinking of the cheering competition, the halftimes, my acads, people, and myself. i'm amazed at the fact that i am able to juggle all thses things for the past three years of my college life. this is my last sem hopefully and i plan to make it into a memorable one.
sleepless nights. with the rain heavily pouring outside, i lie on my bed, stressed out and tired. i tried to bore myself to sleep by reading books but my efforts were in vain. then i started to take my mobile, missed called a handful of people, and waited for even just one to send me a text message. i started reading my age-old messages in my inbox. sojme were dated last 2001, others were just this year. when i read the message i got from suy, tears started to well in my eyes. i dunno why. i jut felt this sudden surge of loneliness flowing into my very being.
sniff sniff. after a few i-dont-wanna-cry-moments, tears started rolling down my cheeks. i couldn't stop them. they were as if they had a life of their own. i began to realize that my life wasn't perfect after all. yes, i do have a lot of friends, a loving family, a supportive and wacky pep squad, good college, and a love of my life. darn is all that i could say. i'm blessed with a lot of things that other people would want yet i am not happy. i may not have every material thing that i desire but i am rich in people who care for me.
i cried and cried, trying to hide my sobs and sniffs from my already asleep roomates. i wondered. why the hell am i crying like this? the last good cry that i can remember was during the farewell party of my batch mates. that night, i felt that my chest was about to explode. i wanted to scream all my pains. i wanted to just let it all go. i want it all gone and over with.
a friend of mine said that no love life would ever take the place of being in the competition. that i need to be strong to get through all this. YES, I AM STRONG. i tried to hide all the pain that i feel from the world. i tried to wear a thousand masks to hide what i truly feel. i tried to look tough. yet underneath this facade i'm wearing lies a broken soul. my hearts aches every time i look at him. all the good and bad memories come crashing down on me.
my life is a play and i am the actor. a play about how a cynic like me fell for someone i never wanted from the very start. a story of how a hopeless romantic loved a then perfect person. this play has been going on for almost a year. the ending is uncertain. as long as i live, this will go on and the charaters will change. many people will walk in and out of my life but only a few will leave lasting marks that i would remember for the rest of my days.
unlike all love stories that end in happily ever after, mine turned out to be the opposite. so far, this chapter of my life has a bitter ending. heartbreak. ouch is all i could say. a friend told me that sensed all the bitterness in me. he's right. i still feel that. i dunno when this freeling will go away. but i hope that it would be soon. as of now, all i could do i let go of everything...and i mean everything...
tonight, asi lie down on my bed, with the rain pouring gently, with the wind blowing softly, i cuddle my pillows underneath the covers and hope that as i sleep, i let all thoughts go away.
i wish that this night, not a single teardrop will fall...
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