seeing him cry for the first time i've known him made mee feel sorry. i wanted to hug him, comfort him and tell him that everything is going to be OK. last night, looking at him with tears in his eyes, i felt a twitch in my heart. deep down i knew that he was hurt and somewhere inside me i knew that wanted to be by his side. i realized that after everything that has happened, i still care for him- SOOOOO MUCH! i don't know why i still feel this way. here i am, stuck in this feeling yet i can't do anything about it. i wanted to tell him everything but i never got the chance to do it.
for the past months, i tried to keep myself busy. to focus on other things to forget him. to go out and explore the world beyond HIM. i wanted to let it all go yet i can't. i still am and very much into him. i don't know why i feel this. can this be love? every single day that i see him , i tried my best to hide all the good memories that we've shared in the past. sadly, the past is keeping up with me. those memories were too good to be forgotten.
on our way home, i sensed that he was really down. i saw the pain in his eyes yet i could not do anything. i assured him that if he needed my help, i would always be here, like i have always been. he wanted to quit the squad and told me that the only thing that kept him going were the people, the friendship. i told him that all us had been in this point wherein we wnated to quit and give in to our emotions. i knew that he was stronger than he thought he was. i knew that all he needed was enough rest and sleep. today is just one of those bad days and tomorrow will be another day.
i knew that without him , my life would not have been the same.
before going to bed, i told him:
"i'll always be here for you, no matter what happens."
Saturday, July 16, 2005
HAGGARD!!!
2:30PM UP gym
all of us headed to the gym for our 3:00PM run for the half time. as expected, the did not please coach. we hoped that the performance will be nice.
5:00PM Blue Eagle gym
we were preparing for our halftime. we were first to perform with a score of 31-29. Full TV coverage!haha! the dance was great and all of us had a wonderful time. after the halftime, all people in the competing team had to go to get some rest for the 7pm training. i, together with coach and other pep people went to outlet yard to look at the shoes.
7:00PM UP gym
the training started with pilates sessions with coach jon. all of us were really tired. we trained for yoga and lifts. all of us were feeling really low. a pep talk/ open forum followed.
all of us headed to the gym for our 3:00PM run for the half time. as expected, the did not please coach. we hoped that the performance will be nice.
5:00PM Blue Eagle gym
we were preparing for our halftime. we were first to perform with a score of 31-29. Full TV coverage!haha! the dance was great and all of us had a wonderful time. after the halftime, all people in the competing team had to go to get some rest for the 7pm training. i, together with coach and other pep people went to outlet yard to look at the shoes.
7:00PM UP gym
the training started with pilates sessions with coach jon. all of us were really tired. we trained for yoga and lifts. all of us were feeling really low. a pep talk/ open forum followed.
Friday, July 15, 2005
eSpEciALLy fOr yOu
Especially for you
I wanna let you know what I was
Going through
All the time we were apart I thought
Of you
You were in my heart
My love never changed
I still feel the same
Especially for you
I wanna tell you I was feeling that
Way too
And if dreams were wings, you
Know
I would have flown to you
To be where you are
No matter how far
And now that I’m next to you
No more dreaming about
Tomorrow
Forget the loneliness and the sorrow
I’ve got to say
It’s all because of you
And now were back together,
Together
I wanna show you my heart is oh so true
And all the love I have is
Especially for you
Especially for you
I wanna tell you, you mean all the world to me
How I’m certain that our love was
Meant to be
You changed my life
You showed me the way
And now I’m next to you
I’ve waited long enough to find you
I wanna put all the hurt behind you
And I wanna bring out the love
Inside you, oh and
Now were back together, together
I wanna show you my heart is oh so true
And all the love I have is
Especially for you
You were in my heart
My love never changed
And now that I’m next to you
No more dreaming about
Tomorrow
Forget the loneliness and the
Sorrow
I’ve got to say
It’s all because of you
And Now were back together, together
I wanna show you my heart is oh so true
And all the love I have is
Especially for you
Together, together
I wanna show you my heart is oh so true
And all the love I have is
Especially for you
i hope i get to sing this song to the ONE someday...
*wink
I wanna let you know what I was
Going through
All the time we were apart I thought
Of you
You were in my heart
My love never changed
I still feel the same
Especially for you
I wanna tell you I was feeling that
Way too
And if dreams were wings, you
Know
I would have flown to you
To be where you are
No matter how far
And now that I’m next to you
No more dreaming about
Tomorrow
Forget the loneliness and the sorrow
I’ve got to say
It’s all because of you
And now were back together,
Together
I wanna show you my heart is oh so true
And all the love I have is
Especially for you
Especially for you
I wanna tell you, you mean all the world to me
How I’m certain that our love was
Meant to be
You changed my life
You showed me the way
And now I’m next to you
I’ve waited long enough to find you
I wanna put all the hurt behind you
And I wanna bring out the love
Inside you, oh and
Now were back together, together
I wanna show you my heart is oh so true
And all the love I have is
Especially for you
You were in my heart
My love never changed
And now that I’m next to you
No more dreaming about
Tomorrow
Forget the loneliness and the
Sorrow
I’ve got to say
It’s all because of you
And Now were back together, together
I wanna show you my heart is oh so true
And all the love I have is
Especially for you
Together, together
I wanna show you my heart is oh so true
And all the love I have is
Especially for you
i hope i get to sing this song to the ONE someday...
*wink
Thursday, July 14, 2005
on the edge
the past days have been nothing but blur. the opening of the UAAP season marked the start of an exciting yet tiring and stressfull season. the trainings have been killer than they have ever been. people have been starting to get sick. REST is not in the vocabulary of the pep squad. everyone is trying to psh himself over the limits. muscle strain, rattling bones, sprained ankles and sleepless nights-these are the common things that all peple suffer from. as the sem progresses, projects, reports, theses, feasibility studies, papers and othe academics stuff have been taking most of our time.
"compet na." that's what they always say. yet right now, all i feel is fatigue and stress. last monday i wanted to quit. to let go of my slot and resume a normal life. i want to have control over my time. i realized thogh that why should i give up now when thi is my first and only chance to comepete? many people want to be in the line-up and here i am, contemplating on leaving. it's irrational.
the gymanstics training last monday took the best off me. after jogging the entire acad oval, i felt my energy going down the drain. i could no longer do the skills. i was making mistakes and someone was there shouting at me like i was deaf. PROFESSIONALISM- that was what happened. yet for the first time in my 3 years with the squad i felt agitated and angry that i wanted to walk out, to cry it all out in the restroom. i guess it was just the stress. that was it. no harm done.
on that samw day i went to audition as show dancer for disney hongkong. as xpected we didn't pass. the best dancers in the industry were there-POWERDANCE, STEPS PIPS, Ms. Julie Ayalde, Sir Van Manalo, UST Salinggawi dancers, Bambi of star dance and all other intimidating people.
today is another day of training and school stuff. i hope i get through this. i know i will.
"compet na." that's what they always say. yet right now, all i feel is fatigue and stress. last monday i wanted to quit. to let go of my slot and resume a normal life. i want to have control over my time. i realized thogh that why should i give up now when thi is my first and only chance to comepete? many people want to be in the line-up and here i am, contemplating on leaving. it's irrational.
the gymanstics training last monday took the best off me. after jogging the entire acad oval, i felt my energy going down the drain. i could no longer do the skills. i was making mistakes and someone was there shouting at me like i was deaf. PROFESSIONALISM- that was what happened. yet for the first time in my 3 years with the squad i felt agitated and angry that i wanted to walk out, to cry it all out in the restroom. i guess it was just the stress. that was it. no harm done.
on that samw day i went to audition as show dancer for disney hongkong. as xpected we didn't pass. the best dancers in the industry were there-POWERDANCE, STEPS PIPS, Ms. Julie Ayalde, Sir Van Manalo, UST Salinggawi dancers, Bambi of star dance and all other intimidating people.
today is another day of training and school stuff. i hope i get through this. i know i will.
Sunday, July 10, 2005
july 9, 2005
today is the day that the UAAP kicks off! this means that the popular inter-collegiate league has started. the show started at aroud 1pm at the araneta coliseum with the Adamson soaring falcons as hosts. the program was not really that awesome except that they had francine prieto as their muse and kyla performed the UAAP theme.
First game. the UP Fighting Maroons versus the UST Growling Tigers. this means only one thing: a showdown of the Two best cheering teams in the UAAP- The UP Pep Squad and the UST Salinggawi Dance Troupe. Gawi was first to perform. well, they did not do an amazing performance which left me a bit disappointed. Ours was better in some aspects but also failed in others. to cut the story short, UP won. First victory for the season.
oh well, to get to the mushy part, the love of my life borrowed my varsity jacket because he lost his. i just hope my jacket will not suffer the same fate as his. actually, i was expecting that he would ask me this favor and in a way i wanted him to...hehe...i dunno. there's this feeling in me that is always ready to lend a helping hand especially to him. who is he? he is the guy that has made me realized that love is not just all about happiness and joy but together with it comes pain and bitterness.
after the game, we all decided to go to Aveneto to have dinner. i had a plate of tossed salad, 2 slices of pizza, and a little serving of pasta. i'm soooo full! well, coach told me that i dont have the right to lose weight but instead i should gain eat and gain some more. on ur way home, i asked if there really was something going on between the love of my life and the other. the other told me that none and that i should believe him. he told me that he does not want to look bad. i snapped back jokingly that he i have looked at him as a bad person eversince he ruined everything. oh well, jokes are always half meant.
i am litening to chill out senti music right now. just enjoying the relaxing melody.
till then...i hope teardrops dont fall tonight.
First game. the UP Fighting Maroons versus the UST Growling Tigers. this means only one thing: a showdown of the Two best cheering teams in the UAAP- The UP Pep Squad and the UST Salinggawi Dance Troupe. Gawi was first to perform. well, they did not do an amazing performance which left me a bit disappointed. Ours was better in some aspects but also failed in others. to cut the story short, UP won. First victory for the season.
oh well, to get to the mushy part, the love of my life borrowed my varsity jacket because he lost his. i just hope my jacket will not suffer the same fate as his. actually, i was expecting that he would ask me this favor and in a way i wanted him to...hehe...i dunno. there's this feeling in me that is always ready to lend a helping hand especially to him. who is he? he is the guy that has made me realized that love is not just all about happiness and joy but together with it comes pain and bitterness.
after the game, we all decided to go to Aveneto to have dinner. i had a plate of tossed salad, 2 slices of pizza, and a little serving of pasta. i'm soooo full! well, coach told me that i dont have the right to lose weight but instead i should gain eat and gain some more. on ur way home, i asked if there really was something going on between the love of my life and the other. the other told me that none and that i should believe him. he told me that he does not want to look bad. i snapped back jokingly that he i have looked at him as a bad person eversince he ruined everything. oh well, jokes are always half meant.
i am litening to chill out senti music right now. just enjoying the relaxing melody.
till then...i hope teardrops dont fall tonight.
Tuesday, July 5, 2005
rainy tuesday
sunday.
i went to church with my dormates. we had lunch and then returned to the dorm to get some sleep. another lazy weekend. evening. we started walking towards lutong bahay for dinner. somewhere near kalayaan resdence hall, i saw familiar face waving his hand at me. i waved back and said hello. after that, everything was perfect. i dont know why it felt that way.
monday.
when i woke up, i had this feeling that this would be a wonderful day. i had breakfrast, took a bath and went to my finance class. 10am. y feasib professor announced that there was no class at 1pm. i went casaa to grab something to eat then off to the dorm. i had lunch then took a nap. i woke up at around 4pm and decided to skip my 190 class.i ate again for the nth time ang got ready for training. as usual, i arrived late for jazz class. he, was also late because both of us had classes till 5:30. the difference was that he attended his, i didn't. he were stretching then he ask me to check on how he smells. yucky as it may seem but i did it. he did not take a bath before training but he was ok. haha. maybe because i just miss his scent. oh well. after training, i wnet home and still felt really happy. i helped my roomate with his paper than slept.
tuesday.
it was raining heavily outside. i was sad because i wanted the weather to be like this every MTH so i could wear my preppy outfit to class. i checked my mails and answered a few surveys in friendster. as usual, i had my share of surveys with undertones from the plane that made the 2 towers crumble into pieces last september 11. i thought snakes can only be found in the jungle. i never thought you could find them among your friends.
well, just another lazy day for me...
i went to church with my dormates. we had lunch and then returned to the dorm to get some sleep. another lazy weekend. evening. we started walking towards lutong bahay for dinner. somewhere near kalayaan resdence hall, i saw familiar face waving his hand at me. i waved back and said hello. after that, everything was perfect. i dont know why it felt that way.
monday.
when i woke up, i had this feeling that this would be a wonderful day. i had breakfrast, took a bath and went to my finance class. 10am. y feasib professor announced that there was no class at 1pm. i went casaa to grab something to eat then off to the dorm. i had lunch then took a nap. i woke up at around 4pm and decided to skip my 190 class.i ate again for the nth time ang got ready for training. as usual, i arrived late for jazz class. he, was also late because both of us had classes till 5:30. the difference was that he attended his, i didn't. he were stretching then he ask me to check on how he smells. yucky as it may seem but i did it. he did not take a bath before training but he was ok. haha. maybe because i just miss his scent. oh well. after training, i wnet home and still felt really happy. i helped my roomate with his paper than slept.
tuesday.
it was raining heavily outside. i was sad because i wanted the weather to be like this every MTH so i could wear my preppy outfit to class. i checked my mails and answered a few surveys in friendster. as usual, i had my share of surveys with undertones from the plane that made the 2 towers crumble into pieces last september 11. i thought snakes can only be found in the jungle. i never thought you could find them among your friends.
well, just another lazy day for me...
Saturday, July 2, 2005
MYMP
as i got home, i felt my entire body aching in pain because of the training. a lot of people asked me why i looked so gloomy and stressed out. all i could do is nod or utter a few words. as i went upstairs to get ready to sleep, i felt the intense pain in my butt muscles (got the pain from training ok?). i wanted to ask someone to give me a massage but nobody was around. all the people were either downstairs having their sigsheets signed or they were somewhere else.
i tucked myself in bed to get ready to sleep. SLEEP. one the things that i love doing. my body is accustomed to sleeping really late and waking up really early. good thing i have the entire day to sleep (except during mondays and thursdays). my body wanted to rest but my mind wanted to do other things. i got my roomate's CD player and listened to the versions of MYMP.
first song was "true colors". i listened to every single word sang by the vocalist. while listening, my mind started filling in crazy thoughts. as the song played on, tears bgan to form in my eyes. corny as it may sound, the "bad songs" made the "big baby" cry. YES, i easily cry over sentimental song, movies and the like yet i am as hard as a boulder when it come to real-life situations.
what thought made me cry? simple. i just miss him. today is july 1, actually july 2. the clock just ticked to start a new day. JULY 2004 was the month when everything started. i could not forget the day we went to the UAAP opening dresed in matching PEP hirts which made his batchmates green with envy because they didn't have the shirt that we were wearing. until now, i still have the tickets with me.
JULY 10, 2004 was the day when we were at the dorm urfing the net. that was the day when we created his email and his friendster account. i even knew the passwords. this was also the month when i got the first text from him that puzzled me. from then on, more and more fond moments followed. those were the days that i was happy.
sadly, all of those are now just a part of my past. memories that will forever be with me. i could remember all the good and wacky times that we shared. i remember the day when everything started to fall apart. i remembered the day when you made everything clear. i remembered the day you wanted mt to walk out of your life.
sad but true. if only i could turn back time. if only i wasn't really that stupid. yes, i had my faults and you had yours. but i guess luck was not on our side. we parted ways yet remained as "friends", are we? there was never an us. that was clear. both of us knew that we were just friends yet everyone around us are saying that we were too close for comfort to be just friends.
as i wake up each brand new day, i always long for that day when i could leave all these feelings behind. to let go of all the pain and move on with my life. my life would have never been the same without you in it. i have survived 20 years of my life without you in it, there is no reason why i can't survive now.
the past year has been a roller coaster ride for all of us. the thrill of this ride has been in my system for a year now. i still feel every drop, twist and turn. the dizzy feeling still lingers in me. i just hope it disappears soon.
soon enough...
i tucked myself in bed to get ready to sleep. SLEEP. one the things that i love doing. my body is accustomed to sleeping really late and waking up really early. good thing i have the entire day to sleep (except during mondays and thursdays). my body wanted to rest but my mind wanted to do other things. i got my roomate's CD player and listened to the versions of MYMP.
first song was "true colors". i listened to every single word sang by the vocalist. while listening, my mind started filling in crazy thoughts. as the song played on, tears bgan to form in my eyes. corny as it may sound, the "bad songs" made the "big baby" cry. YES, i easily cry over sentimental song, movies and the like yet i am as hard as a boulder when it come to real-life situations.
what thought made me cry? simple. i just miss him. today is july 1, actually july 2. the clock just ticked to start a new day. JULY 2004 was the month when everything started. i could not forget the day we went to the UAAP opening dresed in matching PEP hirts which made his batchmates green with envy because they didn't have the shirt that we were wearing. until now, i still have the tickets with me.
JULY 10, 2004 was the day when we were at the dorm urfing the net. that was the day when we created his email and his friendster account. i even knew the passwords. this was also the month when i got the first text from him that puzzled me. from then on, more and more fond moments followed. those were the days that i was happy.
sadly, all of those are now just a part of my past. memories that will forever be with me. i could remember all the good and wacky times that we shared. i remember the day when everything started to fall apart. i remembered the day when you made everything clear. i remembered the day you wanted mt to walk out of your life.
sad but true. if only i could turn back time. if only i wasn't really that stupid. yes, i had my faults and you had yours. but i guess luck was not on our side. we parted ways yet remained as "friends", are we? there was never an us. that was clear. both of us knew that we were just friends yet everyone around us are saying that we were too close for comfort to be just friends.
as i wake up each brand new day, i always long for that day when i could leave all these feelings behind. to let go of all the pain and move on with my life. my life would have never been the same without you in it. i have survived 20 years of my life without you in it, there is no reason why i can't survive now.
the past year has been a roller coaster ride for all of us. the thrill of this ride has been in my system for a year now. i still feel every drop, twist and turn. the dizzy feeling still lingers in me. i just hope it disappears soon.
soon enough...
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