I Heart Alcohol

While sitting inside the cab, a lot of things were racing inside my head. Yes, it was a brand new day and I am excited to go to work. Haha! Since yesterday, all I wanted to do was to write something. When I woke up from a night of fun and alcohol, I was bombarded with a myriad of thoughts. Weird. I could barely recall every detail of last night's crazy party yet my mind is working perfectly instead of feeling all groggy and tired.

With lots of gin vodka and friends having fun, there's that 90% chance that one will answer any question asked or do any dare. I remember incidents, but I'm sure not the details. Like the things I've said, my actions and all that jazz. Darn. If only I had cameras all over recording my every move just like in the Big Brother house.

Carrie Bradshaw of SATC once said that

"When you sleep with someone, you start rationalizing all the red flags."

She was right. Sometimes, you regret sleeping with somebody, sometimes you don't. It all boils down to who you were sleeping with. If he was someone whom you thought could be more than just a bed buddy, then yeah oftentimes I do regret sleeping with that person early on the process. If he was just some random stanger who was lucky enough to be there during those oh-so-I'm-in-the-mood days, I rarely regret sleeping with him, unless he was really fugly and I could feel the 'Coyote Ugly' syndrome creeping inside me. Lol.

Then YOU came along. Well, we just had a thing. There was never an 'us' factor. We talked, we exchanged messages, we went out, one thing let to another and it was over before it even started. I buried the incident under piles of others who took the dead end in my 'relationship lane'. Since we have the same circle of friends, every now and then we bump into each other. We never really talked about what happened and it was better that way, so I've thought. Yet up to this day, I still have questions that have been left unanswered.

My roomate asked if why I still have the hots for him after everything he did. Honestly, I don't know. I could not even say that I still like him. He's just interesting. Yeah, that's it. Maybe there's a part of me who longs for the 'one' who got away. Well, he was also a perfect candidate who could bring my crazy 'dream' of becoming a paramour. In short, I want to be a 'Kabit'. Yes, I'm insane. I know. Hehe.

After that crazy Saturday night, I had to rethink some apects of my life. There were people who came into my life and left without even saying anything. I crumbled a couple of times, yet still I'm standing. Tougher than ever. I don't cry. Too tough, I guess. That's why emotions just build up inside me and devour me alive. I did great in a lot of things in my life. Yet I always failed, screwed and fucked up my heart. I pity this poor little thing inside me. Still beating after all the hurt I caused it. When I look back in the past, feelings and emotions just fill me and burst out. Damn. I wish I could have done things differently then.

Thank God for alcohol and friends. They always keep us company no matter what. After puking all your guts out into your new found bestfriend – the toilet, you feel better. I felt better. As I drown on my glass of water before passing out, I felt comforted. Before I sailed to Dreamland, I hoped that I won't have that dreaded hangover when I wake up.

Between the thin line of sleeping and waking, I still think.

If only things turned out differently.

Would I have been happier?

For now I'll pause. Until the alcohol washes out.