“Rain”
it was a day as ordinary as any day in june. i was minding my own business walking down the campus, going to my next class. it then started to rain. i unfolded my umbrella and mumbled something under my breath about how unlucky i always were during the first week of school. i continued to walk clutching my backpack hard against my stomach, guarding it against the rain as it began pouring heavier. you surprised me as you snuck right beside me. bewildered, i looked up to see the face of the person intruding my personal space. i saw you. you didn’t register, i didn’t know you. and i was quite certain that you didn’t know me either. you smiled at me asking if you could share my umbrella. i instantly thought to myself, “ang gwapo”. i literally felt my heart skip a beat. i shyly said yes.
after a few steps, you offered to hold the umbrella. it could have been because you felt like i wasn’t holding it high enough and it made you feel uncomfortable. i should have told you that i’ve never shared my umbrella with someone as tall as you before so i didn’t know any better.. but just i silently handed it to you. you made me feel nervous. we kept on walking and i waited for you to introduce yourself but you didn’t.
the rain stopped. you put your hand out to check the rain. you decided that we don’t need to use my umbrella anymore so you closed it and folded it neatly. you thanked me as you handed it back and i told you you were welcome. i was delighted at the way you folded my umbrella back ever so meticulously. i told you i never seem to be able to do it properly. you laughed, seemingly amused. then, i asked you your name. you answered by asking me to tell you mine first. i did. then you gave me your nickname which were merely composed of two letters. i asked you if it were your initials. you reluctantly said yes. curious, i inquired about your real first name. you didn’t want to tell me. i thought you were odd. odd but intriguing. i insisted on knowing. you were flustered as you told me your real name asking me not to make fun of it. but you really had one hell of a funny name.
my usual unlucky streak with the first week of classes reversed the moment it turned out that we were classmates. we were actually headed to the same class. from then on, i looked forward to our class together.. looked forward to seeing you. i found myself disappointed whenever you didn’t show up for class. i even got disappointed when we didn’t end up walking together to class. at times, i even walked slower than usual, hoping that you were just running late and that you’d eventually catch up with me. i wondered if you ever felt the same. i finally got the answer one day when i took the campus jeep to class. i saw you glancing behind you as you walked down our usual path. i knew you were looking for me. i was sure of it because it was written all over your face. you do miss me. the realization made me smile. i got off the jeep and called out your name. you smiled warmly when you spotted me. i waved back trying not to look too overjoyed.
it wasn’t long before it became our routine for you to wait for me; even when we’re walking. you were a fast walker and i was a slow one. you would often stop so that i could catch up. i remember the times when we were already late for class but you’d still wait for me to catch up. i would often tell you we should just go and take the campus jeep but you just wouldn’t budge. you would tease me about being “maarte”, dismissing the need to “waste money” on fare or the need to buy a new shirt when i get soaking wet with sweat. you were always practical and i liked that in you. i was “maarte”. and i think you found that amusing.. charming at best.
i was never really sure if you liked me that way. of course there were times when it felt like you did. but there were also times when it felt like you didn’t. now that i think about it, you were probably in conflict with yourself. i was too at the time. it was so confusing. i couldn’t read your signals. i was probably sending out confusing signals too. we were both just so young and so unsure of how to go about such an attraction, so scared to take the leap and be different.
i dreaded the last day of our class. it was the only thing that kept us together. we were of different majors, of different colleges. after our grueling final exam, we talked as usual as we walked towards the jeepney stop. i felt the urge to cease the moment. i finally wanted to tell that i liked you. but i was terrified to do so. i secretly asked the heavens for a sign. i believed in signs. i uttered what might have seemed to you as the most random question at that moment. i asked you what your favorite number was. you gave a little laugh. still amused at the question, you told me it was the number 8. intrigued, i asked you why. you said that you liked it just because. then just like that, i chickened out. it could’ve been mainly because i was scared. not only of the possibility of rejection but more so of being gay.. of confessing my attraction to another guy. i lost my chance that night. and just before we went our separate ways, it started to rain. how ironic. “pareho pala tayo,” i silently remarked. “parehong ano?”, you responded. “8 din kasi ang favorite number ko.”
i fell asleep as soon as i got home, probably too tired from the exam. and when i woke up, i had a message from you on my phone. your message couldn’t have been more vague. “take me or leave me?” was what it said. requesting me to send a reply if my answer is the symbolic yes and to do nothing if i chose no. i didn’t know what to do. here was yet another chance but a big part of me still didn’t want to take it. could this be a joke? or am i just assuming what this was all about. if i assumed correctly and if i replied “yes” would that mean we are going to be couple? am i ready for that? what if someone finds out? what would i tell my parents? is this a sin? will i be committing a sin if i wanted to be with him? i didn’t know what to to. i was young, dumbfounded and lost. i was too scared to say yes but i really didn’t want to say no.
i guess you assumed that my answer was “no” because a few minutes later you sent me another text stating that your previous message was meant for someone else. to be fair with you, it had been 3 hours since you sent the first message. maybe you figured that i was not going to reply which meant that i didn’t like you back. to this day, i still have no way of knowing the truth behind your messages that night. could things have turned out differently if i noticed your message before i fell asleep? what could have happened if i was able to reply promptly? i could only wish i was brave enough back then to have not wasted another minute thinking about what to do..
days, weeks, and months have passed after our last meeting. the exchange of awkward messages that fateful night made it harder for us to be open with each other and we never did get the chance to spend time with each other again. we would bump on each other occasionally but all we ever did was to exchange quick hi’s and hello’s.
now it has been years since we last communicated.. but when it’s raining, i still find myself thinking about you.. wishing that someday, the rain will once again lead you to me.
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