Ever After

Three years ago my journey began
Chasing down this cure, no plan in hand
Just your pulse, my racing guide in the dark
Just knowing with conviction from the start

The moment your eyes made an introduction
I felt my second violent breath of life
Flawless to the point of being godly
Yet I fell hard for your imperfections

Chorus
And now we’re slightly weathered, we’re slightly worn
Our hands grip together eye to eye through the storm yet
I still believe in ever after with you, yeah
Coz life is a pleasure with you by my side
And there ain’t no current in this river we can’t ride
I still believe in ever after with you

Nothing compares to the good times
Feels like we’re floating when the rest have to climb
You made me believe in love and not the perfect kind
A real messy beautiful twisted sunshine
Emotions volcanic eruptions
We both still care so we’re still alive
Tunnel vision, determination
I want you I want to make it right

Chorus

You are my twisted sunshine
You are my twisted sunshine

Chorus

SEPTEMBER 11, 2005

12:08am. It has been a year since we had a big falling out. That night, I had a lot of questions. Questions that up to now have been left unanswered. How could something so perfect end so ugly? How can this happen when everything was doing fine? Was it really fine? As far as I can remember, days before September 11, 2005, we already started fighting. Misunderstandings that were brought about my honesty. That I was too honest in telling you how I felt towards you. My dreamland then started to crumble into a pile of rubble. I tried my best to keep us from falling apart, that I wanted to save our friendship. But because of one text message, all my efforts did not pay off.

What was in that message that made you so angry that you can’t even forgive me?

For months I tried to figure out what was in that message. Days ago, I had the courage to ask the one who sent you that. I got what I was looking for, but not its entirety. He told me that he texted you that me and my friends (our friends) were making fun of you by calling you names. He thought that you would just let it pass and that it was nothing but he was wrong. You took it the other way around. You went berserk over that message and texted me that I’m one backstabbing jerk. I was surprised. Really. I didn’t have the faintest idea what the hell just happened. When we saw you in your dorm, all mad and stressed out, I knew that this was not right. That this is something big. I tried to talk to you but he insisted that he should be OUR mediator. All I could do was sit and wait for something to happen. When I got the chance to talk to you, I asked you why you were acting in such way. You told me you were really stressed out with everything. I advised you to take it one at a time and “wag mu i-haggard ang sarili mu”. You simply snapped back “isa lang naman nagpapa haggard saken…IKAW!”. Then you walked away without even glancing back. That night I was lost. I tried texting and calling you yet you wont answer me.

The next day, the day of the competition, we never said anything to each other. Only a few glances at each other and nothing more. I wanted go near you, to hug you and wish you good luck. Minutes before dancing, our coach told me to help you, that left me with no choice but to chat with you a bit. I said:

“Ey, good luck…”

You said

“I’m sorry.”

“Huh?”

“I’m sorry…para sayo to, para sayo toh…”

And then we hugged, then rushed to the court to dance.


I’ll never forget that day.

Today is September 11, 2005. Exactly one year after everything. Yet here I am, wallowing in thoughts about you. Yes, I still love you in spite of everything that happened. Sounds pathetic huh? Embarrassing as it may seem but that’s how I feel. I don’t understand why I still feel this way towards you. Maybe because you left hanging and never cleared things up with me. Maybe because I envy the two of you every single day that I see you together happy and here I am in one corner filled with pain. Maybe because I’m one hopeless romantic who’s so into you. There are a lot of reasons why. Even I myself could not see through them. Every single day I try to look happy on the outside, yet inside my heart is screaming in anguish.

In a month’s time, I’ll be leaving this university to go on with my life. I wish that as I leave everything behind, I will be able to pick myself up and move on. That I can finally let it all go and move on. I hope I can do this. I know I can.

a year old memories

Mga text mo saken dati. Eh sino ba namang di maloloka nyan ha?


Sweetie san k
ngaun?

Sender:
hEaRtBrEaKeR
+639279181407
Sent:
21-July-2004
15:45:49


Bkt
ang
taong
imprtnte sau pg
nwla
pilit mong
hinhnp?



Bkt m ko
hinhnp?

Imprtnte bkö
sau?

Sender:
hEaRtBrEaKeR
+639279181407
Sent:
24-July-2004
18:10:23


hOney punta ko
jan s labas!NG
dOrm nyo!

Sender:
hEaRtBrEaKeR
+639279181407
Sent:
21-July-2004
21:26:49


D Air we
brEathe
kips Us
aLive

Bt if 1dAy
D Air in ds wRld

bcUms
2 Lmted 4us

Dnt wori

cz iL b
wiLing
2hoLd my
brEatH

evn4a
mLion yRs

jz 2c u
breatHn...ü

Sender:
hEaRtBrEaKeR
+639279181407
Sent:
21-July-2004
22:47:51


I dremt of heven
lst nyt.it ws d
most beautiful
place & I never
wantd 2 leav.bt
wen i woke up,u
crosd m mind &
I sed: ”hevev cn
u wait?i stil hv
my pradise hirӟ

Sender:
hEaRtBrEaKeR
+639279181407
Sent:
21-July-2004
22:53:56


Oh hun! Gcng k p
b? gud luk at
God bles s exam
Bkas! Galngan
mo para s
knabukasan
natn! Gud nyt!...’

Sender:
hEaRtBrEaKeR
+639279181407
Sent:
24-July-2004
23:48:54


galingan mO’:?

Sender:
hEaRtBrEaKeR
+639279181407
Sent:
1-Aug-2004
15:21:31


gus2ng gus2 mO
namng inaakap
kta?

Sender:
hEaRtBrEaKeR
+639279181407
Sent:
1-Aug-2004
22:34:15


bat k8a ikikis?

Sender:
hEaRtBrEaKeR
+639279181407
Sent:
29-Aug-2004
00:21:29


frnds co?
hMm,
mkulit,
pRo mBait..
pRaniNg pRo,
mSyng kSma..
mtGas uLo
pRo dcO kyAng
iwan..

hAay!

kyA mGa frnds
cO?

loko2 pRo sBrng
mhL co! LalO n
iSng 2!

Sender:
hEaRtBrEaKeR
+639279181407
Sent:
6-Sept-2004
23:37:25


n sasayw ako para s u?

Sender:
hEaRtBrEaKeR
+639279181407
Sent:
7-Sept-2004
08:35:37


…cnO bng hnd.?
wel, tnatry kOng
ibalik ang dati.

Sender:
hEaRtBrEaKeR
+639279181407
Sent:
15-Dec-2004
23:35:59


wel dOz r d
dayz na ngng
hap q.o cge,
mag aaluna n at
kelangan mO
nrng maghanda
s wOrk mO.
ma22lOg n rn
ako pra d q
ngangarag
ngarag mamya s
church, nytnyt.

Sender:
hEaRtBrEaKeR
+639279181407
Sent:
16-Dec-2004
00:14:21

compet na!

It's been a while since I last wrote something. The past weeks have been really hard for all of us. As the competition draws near, the practices have been rigorous than ever. 3 full runs of the entire routine plus halftime performances surely takes a lot of energy to do. Many of us have been suffering injuries the entire duration of the season. With academic work piling up, most of us juggle everything all at the same time. Trying our very best to excel both in dancing and in our studies. Fatigue, shear exhaustion and stress are the common symptoms that we all suffer. Time management. That is the key for our survival. We are not normal university students who get to go home at 7 PM. Eat dinner at 8, study around 9, sleep at 10 and wake up the next day 7am.

For most students, their days end at around 5 but for us it’s just the beginning of another chapter in our daily lives.

5:30pm, off we go to the gym to warm up and stretch.

6:30pm, we start to practice our cheers.

7:00pm, we start to take the court to practice the compet routine.

9:00pm, if we were lucky to get the court early, we get to go home.

10:00pm, the latest time that we finish.


Being a cheerleader is not an easy thing to do. Many people think that we are just a bunch of boys, girls and all those in between who could not do anything in our lives. Many think that we are a pain in the ass for teachers because we are too lax with our studies. They see us as a group who excel in dancing yet fail in our academics.

On the other hand, there are others who take pride in us. They support us in every performance that we have. They marvel at our grace and originality when we take the court. People cry and laugh with us through victories and defeats.

So, what’s new in our routine this year? Expect a lot of gymnastics skills, amazing lifts, relaxing yoga, explosive jazz, and sexy bodies. Haha!

September 17, 2005 – the day that all of us will remember. This is the day that the UP Pep Squad will strut their stuff to show the world what they’ve got

long time...

DAnce with my Father

Back when I was a child, before life removed all the innocence
My father would lift me high and dance with my mother and me and then
Spin me around 'til I fell asleep
Then up the stairs he would carry me
And I knew for sure I was loved
If I could get another chance, another walk, another dance with him
I'd play a song that would never, ever end
How I'd love, love, love
To dance with my father again

When I and my mother would disagree
To get my way, I would run from her to him
He'd make me laugh just to comfort me
Then finally make me do just what my mama said
Later that night when I was asleep
He left a dollar under my sheet
Never dreamed that he would be gone from me

If I could steal one final glance, one final step, one final dance with him
I'd play a song that would never, ever end
'Cause I'd love, love, love
To dance with my father again

Sometimes I'd listen outside her door
And I'd hear how my mother cried for him
I pray for her even more than me
I pray for her even more than me
I know I'm praying for much too much
But could you send back the only man she loved
I know you don't do it usually
But dear Lord she's dying
To dance with my father again
Every night I fall asleep and this is all I ever dream




this song has been on my mind for the past days...i dunno why...hehehe

hahay

malungkot ako....

"i'll be here for you, no matter what."

seeing him cry for the first time i've known him made mee feel sorry. i wanted to hug him, comfort him and tell him that everything is going to be OK. last night, looking at him with tears in his eyes, i felt a twitch in my heart. deep down i knew that he was hurt and somewhere inside me i knew that wanted to be by his side. i realized that after everything that has happened, i still care for him- SOOOOO MUCH! i don't know why i still feel this way. here i am, stuck in this feeling yet i can't do anything about it. i wanted to tell him everything but i never got the chance to do it.

for the past months, i tried to keep myself busy. to focus on other things to forget him. to go out and explore the world beyond HIM. i wanted to let it all go yet i can't. i still am and very much into him. i don't know why i feel this. can this be love? every single day that i see him , i tried my best to hide all the good memories that we've shared in the past. sadly, the past is keeping up with me. those memories were too good to be forgotten.

on our way home, i sensed that he was really down. i saw the pain in his eyes yet i could not do anything. i assured him that if he needed my help, i would always be here, like i have always been. he wanted to quit the squad and told me that the only thing that kept him going were the people, the friendship. i told him that all us had been in this point wherein we wnated to quit and give in to our emotions. i knew that he was stronger than he thought he was. i knew that all he needed was enough rest and sleep. today is just one of those bad days and tomorrow will be another day.

i knew that without him , my life would not have been the same.

before going to bed, i told him:

"i'll always be here for you, no matter what happens."

HAGGARD!!!

2:30PM UP gym
all of us headed to the gym for our 3:00PM run for the half time. as expected, the did not please coach. we hoped that the performance will be nice.

5:00PM Blue Eagle gym
we were preparing for our halftime. we were first to perform with a score of 31-29. Full TV coverage!haha! the dance was great and all of us had a wonderful time. after the halftime, all people in the competing team had to go to get some rest for the 7pm training. i, together with coach and other pep people went to outlet yard to look at the shoes.

7:00PM UP gym
the training started with pilates sessions with coach jon. all of us were really tired. we trained for yoga and lifts. all of us were feeling really low. a pep talk/ open forum followed.

eSpEciALLy fOr yOu

Especially for you
I wanna let you know what I was
Going through
All the time we were apart I thought
Of you
You were in my heart
My love never changed
I still feel the same

Especially for you
I wanna tell you I was feeling that
Way too
And if dreams were wings, you
Know
I would have flown to you
To be where you are
No matter how far
And now that I’m next to you

No more dreaming about
Tomorrow
Forget the loneliness and the sorrow
I’ve got to say
It’s all because of you

And now were back together,
Together
I wanna show you my heart is oh so true
And all the love I have is
Especially for you

Especially for you
I wanna tell you, you mean all the world to me
How I’m certain that our love was
Meant to be
You changed my life
You showed me the way
And now I’m next to you

I’ve waited long enough to find you
I wanna put all the hurt behind you
And I wanna bring out the love
Inside you, oh and
Now were back together, together
I wanna show you my heart is oh so true
And all the love I have is
Especially for you

You were in my heart
My love never changed
And now that I’m next to you
No more dreaming about
Tomorrow
Forget the loneliness and the
Sorrow
I’ve got to say
It’s all because of you

And Now were back together, together
I wanna show you my heart is oh so true
And all the love I have is
Especially for you

Together, together
I wanna show you my heart is oh so true
And all the love I have is
Especially for you


i hope i get to sing this song to the ONE someday...

*wink

on the edge

the past days have been nothing but blur. the opening of the UAAP season marked the start of an exciting yet tiring and stressfull season. the trainings have been killer than they have ever been. people have been starting to get sick. REST is not in the vocabulary of the pep squad. everyone is trying to psh himself over the limits. muscle strain, rattling bones, sprained ankles and sleepless nights-these are the common things that all peple suffer from. as the sem progresses, projects, reports, theses, feasibility studies, papers and othe academics stuff have been taking most of our time.

"compet na." that's what they always say. yet right now, all i feel is fatigue and stress. last monday i wanted to quit. to let go of my slot and resume a normal life. i want to have control over my time. i realized thogh that why should i give up now when thi is my first and only chance to comepete? many people want to be in the line-up and here i am, contemplating on leaving. it's irrational.

the gymanstics training last monday took the best off me. after jogging the entire acad oval, i felt my energy going down the drain. i could no longer do the skills. i was making mistakes and someone was there shouting at me like i was deaf. PROFESSIONALISM- that was what happened. yet for the first time in my 3 years with the squad i felt agitated and angry that i wanted to walk out, to cry it all out in the restroom. i guess it was just the stress. that was it. no harm done.

on that samw day i went to audition as show dancer for disney hongkong. as xpected we didn't pass. the best dancers in the industry were there-POWERDANCE, STEPS PIPS, Ms. Julie Ayalde, Sir Van Manalo, UST Salinggawi dancers, Bambi of star dance and all other intimidating people.

today is another day of training and school stuff. i hope i get through this. i know i will.

july 9, 2005

today is the day that the UAAP kicks off! this means that the popular inter-collegiate league has started. the show started at aroud 1pm at the araneta coliseum with the Adamson soaring falcons as hosts. the program was not really that awesome except that they had francine prieto as their muse and kyla performed the UAAP theme.

First game. the UP Fighting Maroons versus the UST Growling Tigers. this means only one thing: a showdown of the Two best cheering teams in the UAAP- The UP Pep Squad and the UST Salinggawi Dance Troupe. Gawi was first to perform. well, they did not do an amazing performance which left me a bit disappointed. Ours was better in some aspects but also failed in others. to cut the story short, UP won. First victory for the season.

oh well, to get to the mushy part, the love of my life borrowed my varsity jacket because he lost his. i just hope my jacket will not suffer the same fate as his. actually, i was expecting that he would ask me this favor and in a way i wanted him to...hehe...i dunno. there's this feeling in me that is always ready to lend a helping hand especially to him. who is he? he is the guy that has made me realized that love is not just all about happiness and joy but together with it comes pain and bitterness.

after the game, we all decided to go to Aveneto to have dinner. i had a plate of tossed salad, 2 slices of pizza, and a little serving of pasta. i'm soooo full! well, coach told me that i dont have the right to lose weight but instead i should gain eat and gain some more. on ur way home, i asked if there really was something going on between the love of my life and the other. the other told me that none and that i should believe him. he told me that he does not want to look bad. i snapped back jokingly that he i have looked at him as a bad person eversince he ruined everything. oh well, jokes are always half meant.

i am litening to chill out senti music right now. just enjoying the relaxing melody.

till then...i hope teardrops dont fall tonight.

rainy tuesday

sunday.
i went to church with my dormates. we had lunch and then returned to the dorm to get some sleep. another lazy weekend. evening. we started walking towards lutong bahay for dinner. somewhere near kalayaan resdence hall, i saw familiar face waving his hand at me. i waved back and said hello. after that, everything was perfect. i dont know why it felt that way.


monday.

when i woke up, i had this feeling that this would be a wonderful day. i had breakfrast, took a bath and went to my finance class. 10am. y feasib professor announced that there was no class at 1pm. i went casaa to grab something to eat then off to the dorm. i had lunch then took a nap. i woke up at around 4pm and decided to skip my 190 class.i ate again for the nth time ang got ready for training. as usual, i arrived late for jazz class. he, was also late because both of us had classes till 5:30. the difference was that he attended his, i didn't. he were stretching then he ask me to check on how he smells. yucky as it may seem but i did it. he did not take a bath before training but he was ok. haha. maybe because i just miss his scent. oh well. after training, i wnet home and still felt really happy. i helped my roomate with his paper than slept.

tuesday.

it was raining heavily outside. i was sad because i wanted the weather to be like this every MTH so i could wear my preppy outfit to class. i checked my mails and answered a few surveys in friendster. as usual, i had my share of surveys with undertones from the plane that made the 2 towers crumble into pieces last september 11. i thought snakes can only be found in the jungle. i never thought you could find them among your friends.

well, just another lazy day for me...

MYMP

as i got home, i felt my entire body aching in pain because of the training. a lot of people asked me why i looked so gloomy and stressed out. all i could do is nod or utter a few words. as i went upstairs to get ready to sleep, i felt the intense pain in my butt muscles (got the pain from training ok?). i wanted to ask someone to give me a massage but nobody was around. all the people were either downstairs having their sigsheets signed or they were somewhere else.

i tucked myself in bed to get ready to sleep. SLEEP. one the things that i love doing. my body is accustomed to sleeping really late and waking up really early. good thing i have the entire day to sleep (except during mondays and thursdays). my body wanted to rest but my mind wanted to do other things. i got my roomate's CD player and listened to the versions of MYMP.

first song was "true colors". i listened to every single word sang by the vocalist. while listening, my mind started filling in crazy thoughts. as the song played on, tears bgan to form in my eyes. corny as it may sound, the "bad songs" made the "big baby" cry. YES, i easily cry over sentimental song, movies and the like yet i am as hard as a boulder when it come to real-life situations.

what thought made me cry? simple. i just miss him. today is july 1, actually july 2. the clock just ticked to start a new day. JULY 2004 was the month when everything started. i could not forget the day we went to the UAAP opening dresed in matching PEP hirts which made his batchmates green with envy because they didn't have the shirt that we were wearing. until now, i still have the tickets with me.

JULY 10, 2004 was the day when we were at the dorm urfing the net. that was the day when we created his email and his friendster account. i even knew the passwords. this was also the month when i got the first text from him that puzzled me. from then on, more and more fond moments followed. those were the days that i was happy.

sadly, all of those are now just a part of my past. memories that will forever be with me. i could remember all the good and wacky times that we shared. i remember the day when everything started to fall apart. i remembered the day when you made everything clear. i remembered the day you wanted mt to walk out of your life.

sad but true. if only i could turn back time. if only i wasn't really that stupid. yes, i had my faults and you had yours. but i guess luck was not on our side. we parted ways yet remained as "friends", are we? there was never an us. that was clear. both of us knew that we were just friends yet everyone around us are saying that we were too close for comfort to be just friends.

as i wake up each brand new day, i always long for that day when i could leave all these feelings behind. to let go of all the pain and move on with my life. my life would have never been the same without you in it. i have survived 20 years of my life without you in it, there is no reason why i can't survive now.

the past year has been a roller coaster ride for all of us. the thrill of this ride has been in my system for a year now. i still feel every drop, twist and turn. the dizzy feeling still lingers in me. i just hope it disappears soon.

soon enough...

it's over...

matapos ang ilang linggo ng kaba, medjo ok na kagabi. pinili na ang top 25 pips na kasali sa compet. salamat at nakasali ako pero maraming pang sinabi si coach bago un.hahay. ewan...wag nang dibdibin at baka umiyak pa ako.

masaya ako dahil dumating din ang mga bagong uniforms. sosyal tingnan mero sablay ang mga sukat. hahay. napagod kami a routine A pero masaya ako dahil nagagawa ko ang ginagawa ni raef kay suy! hehehe...basta, UP FIGHT!

natuwa ako dahil naaprove na niya testi ko sa kanya. wala lang. nung summer pa kasi un. sana naman at maisipan niya akong gawan. hahay...miss HOPE nga talaga ako sabi nga ni ali. nawalan xa ng jacket, naiwan daw kasi sa CR before pa magsimula ang training. hahay. katangahan...syempre, di nman pwede na ibigay ko ung saken d ba? pinaghirapan ko un! kahit lve ko pa xa, ngek! asa pa!!!

hahay...sana nga magng maganda ang sem na ito...go lang ng go! compet, feasib, pep, acads...bahala na...

i was right

somewhere inside my guts, i felt that they were together. i guess my senses were right, they were indeed together last night. the blog proved my intuition. i'm sure they all had a wonderful night. a night i'll never experience. a night that will remain only as a figment of my imagination, a part of a dream that would never become a reality.

like knives cutting through my heart, i felt a deep stab wounding me deeply. this wound never healed. it continues to ache every single day of my life. i've tried so many times to cure it, but i guess all my efforts were useless.

ihave to leave it all behind.

i have to let you go...

sabado nights

SABADO ngayon. gimik night para sa maraming tao.

FETE de La Musique daw sa Podium. oh well, gusto ko sanang pumunta kaso wala akong kasama. tutoot! tutoot! biglang pasok ang text message ng friend ko asking me kung asan daw ako. i simply said na nasa dorm ako. he told me that he was in the Fete with some friends. being the curious cat that i was, tinanong ko kung kasama ba niya SIYA. after a long time of waiting and series of missed calls, he replied, but he never answered my question.

BORED ako buong araw. pumunta ako ng katips kanina kasama mga dorm mates ko. nanuod ng basketball game sa kalayaan dorm at umuwi na. feeling ko magkakasakit ako kanina. ang init ng pakiramdam ko. pero sa awa ng diyos at nawala pagkatapos kong bumaba at makisaya sa mga nag papa-sign ng sigsheet.

ROOM. humiga at pinilit ang sarili matulog. di ko magawa. naiisip ko kasi na magkasama sila. eh anong bago dun? hahay. wala naman, kaso di kasi namin yan nagawa nung mga masasayang araw namin. never kami gumumik together. never kami ngpakuha ng pictures, never kami nag usap ng matino.

CLOSURE. un ang bagay na wala samen. OO, alam ko na walang "KAMI" pero sana man lang nagkaroon ako ng chance na masabi sa kanya ang lahat ng gusto kong sabihin. maraming bagay ang di namin napaguapan. nag away, nagtampuhan, nagkabati na lng at lahat, never kami nag usap. weird noh?

ONE DAY ONLY. sabi ng roommate ko pano daw pag bbinigyan ako ng chance para makasama SIYA isang araw bilang KAMI papayag daw ba ako? napaisip ako. kaya ko bang maging masaya ng isang araw lang at masaktan ulit sa susunod? kaya ko bang makasama siya ngayon at bukas hindi na?

SAGOT. sabi ko ayoko. bakit? kasi ayaw ko maging unfair sa sarili ko at sa kanya. oo, ipokrita ako kung sasabihin kong di ako magiging masaya kung naging kami even for just one day. ang iniisip ko, sasaya nga ako kaso panandalian lang. masakit yun. nagyon kayo, bukas sila na ulit. ouch!

PC. ito ang tanging outlet ko ng mga feelings ko. kung makakapagreklamo lang toh, malamang sukang-suka na ang PC saken. wala na akong ibang sinabi dito kundi ang mga kasawian ko sa buhay. kelan pa kaya ako mgiging masaya sa buhay ko? kelan ko pa kaya mararanasang mahal din ako ng minamahal ko?

TANONG. minahal niya kaya ako ng sobra sa isang kaibigan? kahit minsan kaya naisip niya na magiging kaming dalawa pero natatakot lang siya sa sasabihin ng iba? ito ang lan lamang sa maraming tanong ko na naghihintay ng kasagutan. sana man lang bao ako umalis sa Unibersidad ay maliwanagan ako.

CONFUSED. bangag ako sa mga nangyari sa buhay ko for the past 9 months. pathetic noh? di makapag let go? hahay. moving on is easy, letting go is the hardest thing to do. hirap makalimutan ang isang taong natutunan mu nang mahalin. sana matuto na akong bumitaw. pagod na ako.

tama na. amat na ako sayo...

sTiChEs

june 9, 2005 would be a day i would never forget. while practicing lifts for the upcoming UAAP Cheerdance competition, i had a somewhat painful and bloody accident. while bry,pam and i were trying to learn how to do a basket toss, pam slipped from our crossed hands with her chin crashing down onto my head. ouch! was what i could say. i placed my hands on the spot where her chin smaked down. little did i know that blood was already dripping on my forehead. sounds gorry huh? oh well, when i remove my hand, all i could see was blood. i stared at my bloody hand with big wide eyes. i never liked blood, except in movies of course. that's why i never wanted to pursue a career in medicine.

coach lala arrived and advised me to go to the infirmary. syet1 i asked the other people about my lasceration, they said that it was small an there was no need for stitches. with RJ and pam by my side, off we wnet to the infirmary riding RJ's car. the moment that we entered the emergency room, the nurse attended us right away and made us fill up a few details. when the doctor examined the wound, he decided to stich me up! F*CK!!! i have this fear of anything related to scissors, thread, blood and the doctor's operating table. good thing i had pam and RJ with me. RJ offered me to hold his hand during the operation.

oh my god! i saw the nurses prepare the tools or whatever. i saw them take out a nasty syringe ang filled it up with anesthesia (hope i got the spelling right!). at first, my concern was if i could take a bath, style my hair with wax and the like. but then i realized that i should think first about my scalp. i would most like;y get a "poknat" or that space in the scalp where hair does not grow anymore due to the operation.

then it all began. i felt a stinging sensation in my head as the doctor injected my head with the anesthesia. i held on tightly to RJ's hand. to cut the story short, i got 2 stitches on my head right now. i have to drink 2 kinds of medicine 3 times a day. after the operation, we went back to the gym to resume training. hehehe...i didn't dance nor lift anyone anymore.

jume 10, 2005. i went back to the infirmary to get my anti-whatever shots. believe me, they were kinda painful. you will feel this stinging sensation as the needle enters your skin and feel more pain as the nurse injects the medicine inside. hahaha! sound yucky huh? hehehe...anyway, everything went well. i paid my tuition, had snacks with ali and fabs, then went to training.

well, i did not really do the stunts like the headstand and the like but still i danced. hahay...so much for being a dancer. hehehe...but i guess, its worth it. i love what i do and i'm sure that this season will be hotter than ever. i hope that the wound will heal really fast so i could do the things i used to do like taking a decent bath!

for now, gotta go. i have to wash my hair so that it would not stink like hell! hehehe

out!

LR and stitch

when teardrops fall...

the past days have been really rough. with the pep training being more strenuous than ever, i can't help but make the most out of what i have left. i try to sleep really early but my mind would not permit me. thousands of thoughts are racing inside my mind. i've been thinking of the cheering competition, the halftimes, my acads, people, and myself. i'm amazed at the fact that i am able to juggle all thses things for the past three years of my college life. this is my last sem hopefully and i plan to make it into a memorable one.

sleepless nights. with the rain heavily pouring outside, i lie on my bed, stressed out and tired. i tried to bore myself to sleep by reading books but my efforts were in vain. then i started to take my mobile, missed called a handful of people, and waited for even just one to send me a text message. i started reading my age-old messages in my inbox. sojme were dated last 2001, others were just this year. when i read the message i got from suy, tears started to well in my eyes. i dunno why. i jut felt this sudden surge of loneliness flowing into my very being.

sniff sniff. after a few i-dont-wanna-cry-moments, tears started rolling down my cheeks. i couldn't stop them. they were as if they had a life of their own. i began to realize that my life wasn't perfect after all. yes, i do have a lot of friends, a loving family, a supportive and wacky pep squad, good college, and a love of my life. darn is all that i could say. i'm blessed with a lot of things that other people would want yet i am not happy. i may not have every material thing that i desire but i am rich in people who care for me.

i cried and cried, trying to hide my sobs and sniffs from my already asleep roomates. i wondered. why the hell am i crying like this? the last good cry that i can remember was during the farewell party of my batch mates. that night, i felt that my chest was about to explode. i wanted to scream all my pains. i wanted to just let it all go. i want it all gone and over with.

a friend of mine said that no love life would ever take the place of being in the competition. that i need to be strong to get through all this. YES, I AM STRONG. i tried to hide all the pain that i feel from the world. i tried to wear a thousand masks to hide what i truly feel. i tried to look tough. yet underneath this facade i'm wearing lies a broken soul. my hearts aches every time i look at him. all the good and bad memories come crashing down on me.

my life is a play and i am the actor. a play about how a cynic like me fell for someone i never wanted from the very start. a story of how a hopeless romantic loved a then perfect person. this play has been going on for almost a year. the ending is uncertain. as long as i live, this will go on and the charaters will change. many people will walk in and out of my life but only a few will leave lasting marks that i would remember for the rest of my days.

unlike all love stories that end in happily ever after, mine turned out to be the opposite. so far, this chapter of my life has a bitter ending. heartbreak. ouch is all i could say. a friend told me that sensed all the bitterness in me. he's right. i still feel that. i dunno when this freeling will go away. but i hope that it would be soon. as of now, all i could do i let go of everything...and i mean everything...

tonight, asi lie down on my bed, with the rain pouring gently, with the wind blowing softly, i cuddle my pillows underneath the covers and hope that as i sleep, i let all thoughts go away.

i wish that this night, not a single teardrop will fall...

tag-ulan

di pa naguumpisa ang pasukan, umuulan na. minsan masaya pero minsan nakakainis din. ang hirap kasi na nababasa eh. masaya ako dahil ang bilis ko natapos mag rej. ang saya, pano, double priority kasi. hehehe...varsity na, graduating pa! hehehe. un nga lang, di pa ako nagbabayad. pano, tatay ko pasaway. ewan ko dun. wala na atang plano un na bigyan ako ng pera. tinitipid daw ba ako ng sobra sobra! hahay. ewan!

ang saya ng naging baksayon ko ng isang linggo. mall dito, kain doon, gala dito, moviee doon. kakaiba! kaya siguro naghihigpit tatay ko. hehehe. rumaket kami sa NBA thing. ayun, nakita namin ung houston rockets powerdancers. hanep! kakaiba! ang lalaki ng B**bs! wawa ung ibang pep girls na kasama namin. hehehe. napili si andrea na magsayaw with them. sayang nga lang at di namin napanood! ay eto pa! si via at ino, proud parents na! nanganak si via nung friday at the same time anniv din nila via at ino un! hehehe

ang saya ng vacation ko. at sa wakas! nakita ko na si dax! sobrang na miss ko siya! as in! walang halong joke! hahay. wala lang. may isa pa akong na miss. malamang kilala ng lahat kung sino. oh well, at least nag tetext na kami. at wag ka! nagkita kami sa SM north. usap ng konti at text ng konti after. hahay. kahit na haggard ako sa araw ko. ok lang. natuwa naman ako eh. pero wala lang. iba feeling ko nung nakita ko siya. halong saya at lungkot. masaya ako dahil nakita at nakausap ko iya. malungkot dahil alam ko, sa iba na siya. hahay. ewan. basta, one thing's for sure:

"oo, mahal ko pa..."

Buhay

Patuloy tayong namumuhay sa mundong ito. nararanasan natin ang halos lahat na ng emosyon na alam ng tao. nasubukan nating maging masaya, tumawa at humalakhak. may mga panahon naman na tayo ay malungkot, nagmumukmok, lumuluha. halu-halo ang mga naaramdaman natin. minsan napapaisip ako, bakit ganito ang huhay ng tao? sadya ba talagang ginawa ng diyos ang mundo na magulo? o tayo lang ang nagpapagulo? ewan. sa tingin ko, nasa plano ng diyos ang lahat ng nangyayari sa buhay ng tao. pero parang ang sama ng dating nun, pinaplano ng diyos na masaktan tayo sa isang bahagi ng buhay natin? di ba siya naaawa sa atin? siguro nga, un ang kanyang paraaan para malaman kung gano tayo katatag. sabi nga nila binibigyan tayo ng panginoon ng pagsubok kasi alam niya kaya natin. malaki ang kanyang tiwala niya sa kakayahan natin kesa sa tiwala natin sa sarili.

ang galing Niya ano?

i knew he was going to turn my world upside down, my brained warned me, but my heart didn't want to take its advice.

isang araw, may magkakaibigang nag-uusap.

"hanggang kelan ka ba magiging ganyan?"

"huh? magiging ano? di kita gets."

"magiging bitter."

"ahhh. ewan ko. di ko alam. pero malapit na mawala."

"ok. sabi mo eh. may mga tao talagang nahihirapan ma-get over."

"oo nga. isa ata ako dun."

"hahay. ano ba kasi ang meron siya at di mo pa makalimutan?"

"di ko nga alam eh. tinatanong ko rin yan sa sarili ko, nahihirapan akong sumagot."

"mahal mo lang, ganun?"

"oo. nagising na lang ako isang araw, mahal ko na."

"at bakit?"

"well, maganda mga mata niya. ang cute nya tingnan, magaling sumayaw, maganda katawan. ayun."

"ngek! un lang?"

"well, marami pa. di ko nga alam. di naman siya ganun ka gwapo. mukha pa ngang elf minsan eh. hehehe."

"sira ulo ka. manlait daw ba!"

"di ah, nagsasabi lang ng totoo."

"whatever!"

"ewan ko nga ba friend, mahal ko talaga kahit sobrang nasaktan na ako at lahat."

"ano ba talagang nangyari? naging kayo ba?"

"hahay. wish ko lang. NEVER naging KAMI."

"so ano un, close friends lang?"

"oo, parang ganun na nga.”

“ahhh. Eh bat di mo siya makalimutan?”

“kasi, umasa ako na isang araw, magiging kami.”

“at bakit ka umasa?

“eh naman, kung titingnan mo kami parang KAMI talaga. Minsan, tinanaong ko xa kung ano ba talaga kami. Sabi niya friends, special friends. Sagot ko, oo nga friends lang tayo pero everybody else around us is saying that we’re too close for comfort to be just friends.”

“ganun?”

“oo. Naaalala ko pa ung days nung lagi pa kaming magkasama. Ang saya namin nun. Magkasama kami halos buong araw. Pag may free time siya, magtetext un at hahanapin ako tapos punpuntahan niya ako. Pag gabi at super bored siya sa dorm, tatanungin niya ako kung busy daw ba ako. Kung hindi, he’ll ask me kung pwede ko bad daw siya ipuslit sa dorm. Ayun, tapos dun siya matutulog. Tabi kami.”

“di nga? Tabi kayo? As in tabi?”

“oo noh. Eh ano naman kung tabi kami?”

“wala lang. may nangyari?”

“gago. Sira ulo toh. Wala noh! Kahit sobrang gusto ko siya. It never crossed my mind ang ganun.”

“seryoso ka ba? Kaw pa, eh ang landi mo.”

“shit ka! Di noh. Mahal ko talaga un kaya ganun.”

“oo na, sabi mo eh. Kaibigan mo ako kaya naniniwala ako. O ano pa?”

“basta, ang saya ko nung mga araw na un!”

“alam ba niya na mahal mo siya? “

“oo, nasabi ko sa kanya.”

“o ano nangyari?”

“ewan. Gulo nga eh. May times na OK lang, pero may times din na nag freak out siya.”

“labo.”

“labo talaga.”

“so, ano ba talaga siya? PLU ba siya?”

“yan ang tanong na di ko masagot hanggang nagyon. Kahit sobrang galling ng radar ko.”

“duh. Eh sa opinion mo, ano siya?”

“feeling ko, di pa niya matanggap sarili na or kinda confused pa.”

“siguro nga. So malamang, iniyakan mo na?”

“hahaha!!! Yan ang isang bagay na di ko ginawa at wala akong planong gawin. DI SIYA ANG UNANG LALAKING MAGPAPAIYAK SA AKIN!.”

“aba. Statement ah!”

“talaga! I’m too tough to cry. I need to be strong not only for myself but also for the people around me.”

“naks! Tatag mo. Iba ka.”

“oo nga eh. Di ko nga alam san ako kumukuha ng lakas.”

“hahay. Iba talaga ang nagagawa ng pag-ibig noh?”

“oo nga eh. Dami ko natutunan kahit di man nagging kami. Minsan din naman ako naging masaya eh. Ok na un!”

“ok ba talaga o sarcastic ka?”

“ok lang ako. Natanggap ko na na kahit kelan never magiging kami.”

“ok lang yan. Kaya mo yan. Basta andito kami. Anu ba? Ang dami jan sa paligid oh!”

“oo nga. Hahay. Sana nga mawala na toh.”

TUTOOT! TUTOOT!

“Ay, tara na. alis na tayo. Hinihintay na nila tayo sa mcdo.”

“o tara. Sa susunod ko na itutuloy kwento ko. Uy, wag ka maingay ha? Pramis?”

“yep, pramis!”
“pramis? As in kahit pumutok man suso ng nanay mo?”

“hahaha. Gago! Oo na! pramis!”

“o xa, tara!”


itutuloy...

life doesn't end when love fades

"Love and get hurt, get hurt and learn, learn and love again."

i encountered these words back when i was still in hight school. through the years, i've had my share of falling in and falling out of love experiences. they suck. they suck big time. you can't do the things you normally do without thinking about the person. your entire life suddenly revolves around one person as if he's the sun, the center of your universe, the reason for everything.

when we are in love, we risk it all. hoping that the other person will love us back. all people excahnge signals. signals that become the basis of one's actions and decisions. a simple gesture may send one drifting off to dreamland while an innocent text message may drive one nuts to the brink of suicide. you see, there are a lot of interpretations to these things. interpretatations that would change lives, affect people, make and break relationships, strengthen bonds or even ruin someone's life.

many people think that life after a heartbreak will never be the same. in a way, YES. they are right. After each heartbreak that we encounter, we come out of it as a new person who learned something from that failed relationship. one must see the light in every dark hour that passes by life. we learn things, appreciate people, lookback on the good times and learn to let go.

Moving on is easy, letting go is the hardest thing to do. it's not easy to let it all go, to forget all those memories, to change the activities you usually do. you have to learn to accept the way things are. bitterness will always be there. it is normal. there will be a point wherein you'll learn how to accept it all. erase all the bitterness inside and just be happy for both of you. all of us deserves a second chance. it's up to us to make the most out of every relationship that we have.

tamang panahon

AnG PaGmaMahaL duMadaTinG
sa
TaManG
oRas At TamaNg paGkaKataOn..MinsaN
SiniSiSi Pa NatiN anG saRiLi NaTin KuNg
BaKiT
NgaYon Mo LaNg NaLamaNg MahaL Mo
Sya..

KunG aLam Mo LaNg...

NgaYon Mo LanG Yon NaLaMan Kasi EtO
YunG
TiNataWag Na "TAMANG PANAHON"..

SoMe ThiNk Of LoVe As a PasT TimE..FLinG
At
TrIp LaNg..YunG MaHaL Nya NgayOn..BuKas
HiNdi Na...BoYfriENd Nya NgaYon Pero
TaNggaP Nya Na IsaNg aRaw TaTawaGin
Nya
din Yung "EX"..

MataGal Nga,,inaAboT pa Ng taOn pErO
ILaNg
taoN??1? 2? 3? Tapos PaG
nagKakaSawaAn na
NagAAyaWaN Na At MaY iBa NamaN Na
NagTataGal LanG ng TaoN daHiL
naNghihiNayaNg sa PinagsamaHan...

BaTa Pa MasYado aNg
ganoNg magmahaL...

MaY iBa NaMaN Na MasYadOng SeryoSo At
SenSiTiBo Pag DatIng Sa baGay Na yAn..
YuNg
TipO Ng TaoNg haNdaNg iRisK AnG laHat..
MagBigaY.. MagParaYa.. PaRaLaNg DoN sa
TaoNg maHaL Nya.. MerOn PaNg Iba DyaN
Na
PiniPigiLaN YunG naRaRaNdaMaN Nya KasI
HigH ScHoOL PaLaNg O Di Kaya TeEnAgER
PaLaNg, GuSto Nya KasIng MaGiNg siLa
NuNg
taOng Yon Sa paNahoNg seryosoHan
Na..YunG
SiGuraDo Na Sya Na Yung TaoNg Yon Nga
ang
GuSto NyanG makaSama PaNghaBanG
BuhaY..KumBaga "TAMANG PANAHON"..

ThErE's This QuOTaTioN SaYinG:

"i dont care how many lips u'vE kisd....
i dont care how many women u've embraced
i dont care how many ladies heard u say u
love dem....ol i care is d future...
not to be u'r FIRST but to be u'r LAST"..

MaSaRap MagmaHaL nG TaOng MahAL ka
Din..YunG feELiNg Nyo SouLmaTe Kayo..

KAYA KUNG PARA SAYO TALAGA
SIYA..ILANG
TAON MAN KAYO DI MAGKITA.. ILANG TAO
MAN ANG MAHALIN NIYA.. GAANO MAN SIYA
KALAYO O MARMI MANG HADLANG..
MAGKIKITA PA RIN KAYO KUNG TALAGANG
PARA KAYO SA ISA'T ISA...

pAg-iBiG???....

HinDi HinahaNap Yan..Kusa yAnG
duMaRaTinG sa "TAMANG PANAHON"..

time

it has been days since we last said anything to each other. all we had were glimpses but neither of us want to be the first one to talk. it sucks! believe me it does. i'm not used to this kind os set-up. every single day i feel that we're drifting farther away from each other that eventually we'll end up in opposite directions. nobody knows where and when but one thing is for sure.

i miss you.

i've endured months of loneliness when we parted ways. every day that passed by taught me to give it all up, to let it all go, to go on with my life without you in it. yes, that was what i wanted to to. my mind told me that i'm just wasting my emotions on the likes of you. that you are not worth it. my mind heeded me, but my heart kept on going, falling deeper and deeper each day.

after the incident last monday, i realized one thing. that my life would not be the same without you in it. but i have to do this. to stop all this pain inside. to finally forget you. both of you can have your peace. i won't bother you anymore. i wont waste my time trying to go after the two of you. it'a bout time that i first think of myself.

this is it.

kung ok lang sayo

yan ang song ng true faith na pinapakinggan ko ngayon. may halong saya at lungkot ang song na toh. masaya kasi ina assure na mahal nya talaga ung isa pero at the same time sad kasi natatakot siya baka walang mangyari sa efforts niya. wala lang. medjo nakakrelate ata ako o nasa senti mode lang ako...hahay...

coffee jelly

another hot summer day.

i crave for coffee jelly.

i want to see him.

he was supposed to bring it to me.

damn jollibee for not having it right now.

i'm stuck here in here.

my mind wandering.

thinking.

dreaming.

about that next cup of coffee jelly.

hopefully with him.

6, 8, 12, have you ever, before i let you go and the like

hahay...for the past days i was a witness to a series of both fortunate and unfortunate events. i saw andrea and jerry celebrate their first anniversary as a couple. i was one of the first people who knew that guy broke up with his bf. these are just some of the many things that happened during the week.

for me, nothing really happened with my good 'ol boring life. all i want right now is to get into the line up. i have to get in. it's my last year and i have to make the most out of it.

as for my lovelife, well, we have always been together for the past days. we go to class together, walk home after class and training, have shake at casaa and the like. happy. this is the word that one would assume that i feel right now. yes, i am happy. but no longer feel the same kilig moments i felt months ago.

i have, in a way, learned to let go of the pain that he caused me. though my my heart's still a bit broken, i have learned to overcome the loneliness i felt when we parted ways. i lost a big part of me when he left. and now, i'm trying to find myself again.

letting go. so easy to say yet so hard to do. but luckily, i'm doing good. i'm proud of myself. yes, is till have feelings for him. it is not easy to let it all go. all the good memories and times that we shared. that's all i've got.

i dont want to go one thinking of him. this blog became my refuge when i wanted to write down all my thoughts and feelings. the internet was my friend when i neede somebody to listen to what i had to say. the internet is the silent friend who never got tired of listning to all the shit that i had to say.

all i know is that i'm moving on.

same ground-kitchie nadal

My love
It’s been a long time since i cried
And left you out of the blue
It’s hard
Leaving you the way
When i never really wanted to

Self denial
Is a game so strange i never really should’ve wanted
Til there was you
Cause i have learned that love was beyond
What human can imagine
More it clears
The more i gotta let you go

‘cause what i don’t understand
Is why i’m feeling so bad now
When i know it was my idea
I could’ve just denied the truth and lied
Now why am i the only one standing stranded
On the same ground

My love
It’s been a long time since i cried
And left you out of the blue
It’s hard
Leaving you the way
When i never really wanted to

Self denial
Is a game so strange i never really should’ve wanted
Til there was you
Cause i have learned that love
Is a word just thrown
A litlle bit too much of this
Excuse to fill this infinite of desire
And nevere ever have to fade

Cause what i don’t understand
Is why i’m feeling so bad now
When i know it was my idea
I could’ve just denied the truth and lied
Now why am i the only one standing stranded
On the same ground

If all else fail
Would you be there to love me?
When all else fails
Would you be brave to see right through me?

a guise of smile by kriska joaquin

Why do everything point to that direction, that path you refuse to take? There's a dim light that lies ahead but you are blinded. The shadows of the past are in stampede straight at you. At that moment, with the shortness of breath, you are reminded of the hurt you tried to forget. A picture, a name, a person can only reach you as far. But there are memories... a certain memory thats carved inside of you. And as much as it hurt then, when the carving was freshly grinding through, the wounds never really heal. Every recalling moment is just as harsh, opening the wound and stetching it farther, deeper.

This is why it is so hard to fall. Because once you fall, you expose yourself to all these unpleasant recoils of that thing called love. It is better to go on and enjoy the company of several than focus and fall for one. In that way you save yourself of all the trouble of getting hurt while having the utmost "fun". Who needs that connection with a single person when you can have a lot? And why bother going thru hell and high water just for that one you suspect to be the "one". Go, have fun and be in the company of many. It may seem meaningless, shallow connections but they are acts of self-preservation. In this way you truly protect that one connection that matter most, with yourself.

In this jungle, there's only one person that will get you through. Yep, you got that right, only you. Didn't you ever wonder why they call it a "fall"? Well because you never get out of it whole, unhurt or without a stupid bruise. Its really falling from where the freakin "high" is, only to find yourself back in the real world with a broken soul! So why entrust yourself to another? Why fall so deeply passionately in love when you know it will end soon? Why even bother to see beyond that lazy bum, or that philosophical womanizer with a hopeful eye?? Why be the eternal optimist when everyone's calling your romance a stupid lie? WHHHHYYYYYYY!!!!!!?

With a guise of smile, i reply: "Maybe you've never REALLY been in love so stop asking why"

crazy for you II

hahay. ito ang LSS ko ngayon.

CRAZY FOR YOU
madonna

Swaying room as the music starts
Strangers making the most of the dark
Two by two their bodies become one

I see you through the smokey air
Can't you feel the weight of my stare
You're so close but still a world away
What I'm dying to say, is that

Chorus:

I'm crazy for you
Touch me once and you'll know it's true
I never wanted anyone like this
It's all brand new, you'll feel it in my kiss
I'm crazy for you, crazy for you

Trying hard to control my heart
I walk over to where you are
Eye to eye we need no words at all

Slowly now we begin to move
Every breath I'm deeper into you
Soon we two are standing still in time
If you read my mind, you'll see

Chorus:

I'm crazy for you
Touch me once and you'll know it's true
I never wanted anyone like this
I'ts all brand new, you'll feel it in my kiss
You'll feel it in my kiss because
I'm crazy for you
Touch me once and you'll know it's true
I never wanted anyone like this
I'ts all brand new, you'll feel it in my kiss
I'm crazy for you, crazy for you
Crazy for you, crazy for you

It's all brand new, I'm crazy for you
And you know it's true
I'm crazy, crazy for you


o di ba? ang saya. hahay. ganito talaga pag in love, nasisiraan ng ulo. paksyet

crazy for you

unfortunately, di na post ung drama entry ko. ewan. nagloko ang laptop. anyway, ito aang nangyari:

minsan, isang gabi, sobrang desperado ako magfriendster. nung mabuksan ko ang aking account, natuwa ako dahil may mga new pics and mga bora pips. naintriga ako. sabi ko, titingnan ko lahat para masaya. tapos tiningnan ko ang profile ni ___. nakita ko may pix sila. ouch! sabi ng puso ko. feeling ko tinusok ng barbeque stick and puso ko. hahay. keri lang. siya un eh. profile nya un, di naman kay heartbreaker. wait! i-check ko kaya ung kay heartbreaker. click dito, type doon. tsadan! lumabas din. uy1 dumami ang photos, 7 na. syet. anu kaya toh. bago ang primary photo. cute nga nya eh, kaso keebler elf pa rin. ayun, tingin tingin, then AYUN!!! naloka ako sa nakita ko. may pix silang dalawa. argh! ouch! agay! aray! lahat na ng expression pag nasasaktan. syet! feeling ko, hinampas ng tubo dibdib ko, kinuha puso ko, sabay pinatakan ng kalamansi sugat ko! waaahhh!!!! ewan, basta ang alam ko muntik ako maiyak. nagtaka nga si guy eh bat teary-eyed and lola moh. pero wait, di ako umiyak ha. iba ang teary-eyed sa umiyak.

hahay. ayun. kausap ko p si Rj sa Ym. kahit nga siya na alarm sa decision ko. sabi ko uwi na lng ako sa cagayan de oro, magiisip, magmumuni-muni. hahay. inisip ko pa magpakamatay. naisip ko magbigti, kaso iitim leeg ko, pangit sa burol. inisip ko maglaslas ng pulso, kaya lang takot ako sa dugo. inisip ko magpasagasa sa lRT, kaso pagbaba ko pa alng sa riles ng tren, may multang P50,000.haggard! inisip ko mag overdose, kaso baka mahilo lang ako at magsuka, di na nga ako namatay, pagtatawanan pa nila ako. hahay. syet. so ayun, i ended up deciding na wag na lang. mahal pa naman mamatay ngayon.

naglakad lakad ako sa labas ng dorm, nag isip sa may kiosk. inisip ko ang mga sakit na naramdaman ko para maiyak ako. oo, inisip kong iyakan na para matapos na rin toh. kaso, reason got the better of me. ayaw pumatak ng luha ko. pagkatapos ng mhabang oras na pagmumuni muni at FLPI sa kiosk, nilamok na ako. kaya pumasok na ako ng dorm. hahay. ayun.

sira ulo talaga ako noh?

sun-kissed

after a week of fun in bora, i'm back in the bustling metropolis. the trip was awesome! perfect tan, new accessories, zonked nights, laglagan sessions, games, sexy bodies and party till dawn were some of the best things that happened.

unfortunately, i had to spend my own money since my parents did not send me even a single cent. hahay. well, i survive. there were times wherein we would dine in posh places, in cheap dokito frito, or just plain de lata. hehehe

i was kinda tipsy for 3 consecutive nights! yahoo! dax got drunk, luckily i was with him. so being the kind friend that i am, well, i ended up carrying him home. i was tipsy then but we sure got home safe.

as usual, we lost the games! go YELLOW!!! but we were the team with the best members! yehey! we still enjoyed every part of it. hahay. one abd thing-ali dropped me! hahay. i still suffer from back pains-goodluck sa training!

all of us are "tanned". hehehe. i bet on monday, new pep pips will wonder why all of us are really dark. hehehe.

as for heartbreaker, well, there were good times with him. he was always with other people. too busy to stop and chit chat with us. oh well, looks like he's happy already.

i wanted to leave all my problems in bora so that when i get back here in manila, i wouldn't suffer the "broken-hearts syndrome". i wanted to delete all his messages from my phone, but still could noy do it. candee told me that i should do it one message at a time.

i left bora ahead of the others. as i boarded the plane back to manila, i thought of the good memories of bora. ill never forget thise nights.

bOrAcAy

as i packed my things for my departure for the paradise called boracay, i thisnk about the possible things that will happen there. right now, there are a lot of things racing inside my head. i'm happy because finally the sem is over. i am happy because i'm going to enjoy the sand, sea and surf of bora with some of my closest friends. but beneath this facade lies an unexplained loneliness. yes, i still am sad. i dont know why.

for months i've struggled to let it all go. sadly, things around me would not permit me to do so. i see him almost every day. he asks for my help on just about anything. well, that's how he remembers me. he remembers me as someone he can count on when he needs clothes, pep related stuff, BA matters and the like. did he ever see me more than that?

i dont know what the answer is. all i i can say is that is how i feel. did i ever matter to him? did he ever look at me more than just a friend? did he ever consider how i feel? these questions, i guess, will remain unanswered.

as the clock ticks to 1.30, i feel the excitement setting in. will i enjoy this trip? will i bear the pain of seeing him with someone else? will i get the chance to talk to him? these are yet to be answered. but the biggest question would be:

"WILL I GET OVER HIM?"

maybe, maybe not. i dont know. i am counting on this trip for me to think things over. may the sand , sea and surf give me peace of mind and heart.

it will be long before i will be able to write in here. i bet, the next time that i will be here, the blog will be long. really long.

"i'm so proud of you."

"i'm so proud of you."

these are the words i always hear from my friend mac gregor kho.
i always ask him "why?".
then he answers "because you have found somebody you really love."

i just keep quiet and gather my thoughts. yes, i have found the one person who has made me fall in love with for a nymber of reasons.i dont know why i continue to feel this way. logic tell me to stop, it's wrong. but how can something be wrong when it feels so right? ironic huh?

for months, i tried to move on and find someone else. but to my dismay, i just cant let it all go.i'm so attached with the past. the past. those were the days that i felt really happy. everything just seemed so easy. everything started really sweet, and eventually ended up sour.

if you are reading this blog, you will feel the bitterness in me. yes, i admit that after all these months, i still can't let it all go. to get things straight,there was never an us, so there was nothing to end and mend.

i said to myself, i'll never cry, he's not going to be the first prick who's going to make my tears fall. am that tough? or is it just my pride? i guess it's the latter. a cool couple once told me "yes,you are too tough to cry, but are you happy?". i answered "NO, i'm not."

crying is a way of showing our vulnerable side. i guess i'm as hard as a rock. the last time i cried was during the tribute night of the org. it was good. during that time, all i wanted was to cry my heart out. not just because i'll miss my batchmates, but because everything that happened to me for the past four years of my colleg life.

this journey would have never been this nice if i had not met the people who made me see how beautiful life is. they made me realize that life does not end in a heartbreak. that love is not just for the hopeless romantic.

they are the people whom i call my FRIENDS. they were there during the best days, and lifted me up during the worst. we may have had our differences, but one this is for sure. you guys rocked my world. without you, i would have been lost.

be right for him, but don't expect him to be right for you-coach Lala

last saturday, march 12 i made an easy decision of foregoing the formal dinner to have a simple dinner with someone special in Jollibee. here i go again, starnded in obscure thoughts inside my head. YES, i'm happy with the fact that we're somwhat close again. receiveing that text message from you about that dinner was one of the best things i had last week. sounds pathetic but it's true. "Be right for him, but dont expect him to be right for you." These were the words that i remember from coach. it made me think of a lot of things. a friend of mine told me that i should not look at your gestures as you being a "user-friendly" being. i realized that simply by helping you, i feel a sense of happiness.

dancing with you at the sort of racket for a retiring employee was another thing. i was really glad you were there. a lot of things have been happening lately. things that have brought me joy and peace. i hope this will go on, like before. i know nothing lasts forever. but i hope that this temporary state of happiness will last.

i'm loooking forward to those bora days we'll have. i bet all of us will enjoy the trip. sunset, sand, surf, alcohol, fun, sexy bodies and a whole lot of adventures. these will be the things i'll look forward to.

isang araw

ang gulo ng buhay. pero kahit magulo man ito, masaya pa rin. pagkatapos ng meeting kanina, natuwa ako dahil una, "yumaman" ako. hehehe. may pera na naman akong susunugin. shopping ulet! pangalawang rason: teamates tayo. nagkunwari akong di affected, pero sa totoo, super saya ko. hahay. babatukan na talaga ako nito.panagtlong rason: ang saya mag pa picture. di ako camera shy. obvious ba? hehehe. saya ng unahan sa cam. at syempre, katabi kita sa isa sa mga pics.

un lang ang masaya. oh well, nakakaloka as usual ang mga hirit ni suy. sira talaga ung babaeng un. pano, badet kasi. pero sa totoo lang, medjo tinatamaan ako pero OK lang. tough guy ata to. walang panahonsa pag-iyak. swerte mu naman.

feeling ko masaya ang bora ngayon. daming taong bago, dami ding nawala. hahay. kainis, pero ok lang. basta, mananalo ang lau lau lau DILAW! the best yata kami sa cheering!

oh well, weird. walang reli ang mga sinulat ko sa title ng blog na ito. la lng. feel ko lang mag share ng araw ko. di ko masyadong trip mag senti. saka na yun. lagi ako senti. inaantok na ako.

basta. saka na ang senti. basta masaya me. may pang shopping eh. hehehe

over and out

Missing you

Everytime I think of you I always catch my breath
And I'm still standing here, and you're miles away
And I'm wondering why you left

And there's a storm that's raging
Through my frozen heart tonight

I hear your name in certain circles
And it always makes me smile
I spend my time thinking about you
And it's almost driving me wild

And there's a heart that's breaking
Down this long distance line tonight

I ain't missing you at all (missing you)
Since you've been gone away (missing you),
I ain't missing you (missing you)
No matter what I might say (missing you)

There's a message in the wire
And I'm sending you the signal tonight
You don't know how desperate I've become
And it looks like I'm losing this fight

In your world I have no meaning
Though I'm trying hard to understand

And it's my heart that's breaking
Down this long distance line tonight

I ain't missing you at all (missing you)
Since you've been gone away (missing you),
I ain't missing you (missing you)
No matter what my friends say (missing you)

And there's a message that I'm sending out Via telegraph to your soul
And if I can't bridge this distance Stop this heartbreak overload

death is the mother of beauty

march 3, 2005. i just got home from an overnight for a report on friday. march 3, 2 days after the successful ELEVATE V concert. 2 days after that walk. here i go again. wallowing on thoughts that do no good to me. thoughts that cause me pain and heartache.

after that walk, while i was getting ready to sleep, i realized i had to do one hard thing-letting you go. toooooooooooooot!

grabe, eto na naman ako. nagsusulat about sa kasawian ko sa buhay. ewan ko ba bat sobrang emotional ako for the past days. ganito talaga siguro pag tumatanda at walang nagmamahal sayo. mahirap, masakit, malungkot. di ko kinaya ang breaking news, ung friend daw namin, may BF na. biglang dumilim paningin ko. na lost ako. paksyet! bat ganito? lagi na lang akong huli sa pag ikot ng mundo. ako na lang ang laging walang karir. syet to earth talaga!

sabi ng friend ko, kakausapin daw nya si keebler (di totoong pangalan). naawa na kasi siya sa akin. hahay. di ko kelangan ng awa, kelanagan ko pagmamahal! hahay. lecheng love talaga! potah. sabi ko sa friend ko, wag nya gagawin kundi matutunaw ako. ayoko mag mukhang pathetic noh! pride ko na pinaguusapan dito!

hahay. ewan. di ko nga alam kung san nangaling ung mga text ko kagabi. at eto pa, hiritan daw ba ako na papayag xa "to fool around with me". hahay. tempting. napaisip ako. pagkakataon toh, pero ngek! taken xa. ayoko maging dahilan ng gulo. di ako manununulot! di ako kagaya ng iba jan. syet! inagaw ang lahat sa akin! (wahaha! bitter talaga).

sawa na ako sa pagiging bitter. napapagod na ako sa kakaisip sa kay keebler. ayoko na sa mangagamit, ayoko na rin magpagamit. wish ko lang di ko kainin mga sinabi ko di ba. naalala ko tuloy ung kanta ni selena sevilla ata, ung "nilunok kong lahat, at di nagtira...blah blah blah!". basta un na un.

wala pa akong tulog. pukpukan na naman ulit to. di ko nga alam kung ano na nangyayari sa classes ko eh. bahala na. wala pa akong excuse letter. sino kaya ang meron? hmmm. ung asawa kong mangga kaya?

can't help myself

feb 23 na, birthday ni suyin, nasa philcoa kami nina drei and dax. pagod. bagot. sawi. kelan kaya to mawawala?. pagod na ako sa training dahil malapit na ang concert. pagod na ako sa acads, pero may break kasi di ako masyadong busy. pero higit sa lahat, pagod na ako sa pag aalala sayo. kagabi, super depressed ako. di ko alam kung bakit nagkaganon. and alam ko lang dahil sa stress. STRESS=IKAW.nakaka stress ang pag-ibig. sabi nila "love makes the world go around". oo nga around nga, pero sa sobrang pag-ikot nito, nakatuon lng sayo. oo, sayo umiikot and aking "make believe" na mundo ko. nakakaloka ano?

break. natuwa ako. pumasa ako sa finance, pati sa exam sa convergys.baka my trbaho ako sa summer. ang saya ano? pero hindi. masaya man ako sa aspetong ito, i still can't deny the fact na malungkot ang lovelife ko. ay! teka, wait, sandali. ang tanong, "meron ba?". hahay. ang gulo.

sabi mo depressed ka today. di mo ma gets kung bakit. sinabi ko na sobrang depressed din ako, pero kahapon nga lang. tinatanong mo ako kung bakit, sabi ko wala lng. di ko gets. pero sa loob loob ko, IKAW and dahilan. sabi nga ni drei at dax, move on na daw ako. la akong mapapala sayo kundi heartache. OO na, talaga ngang HEARTBREAKER KA! ouch.

ewan. sabi nga nila love is blind. oo bulag ako. nabulag ako dahil umasa ako. pathetic noh? duh! TANGA lng talaga ako. galing ko magbigay ng advice sa iba pero sarili ko di ko matulungan.ironic noh?

ganito na lang tlaga cgro papel ko sa buhay. magmamahal, aasa, masasaktan, magpaka bitter, magpaka tanga.

pero ang di ko talaga gagawin ay ang iyakan ka. di ikaw ang unang magppaiyak saken. di pa pinapanganak ang taong magpapaiyak sa akin.

over and out.

love afFAIR

the dreaded febuary 14 was not so bad after all. i started the day by wearing one of the best outfits that i've got. everything went on well, until around 2.30 pm when somebody "trivial" in my life showed up. yep, who know who this person is. i just dont wanna put the name in here. there he was walking to his class without even bothering to say hi. oh well, it was partly my fault too. i was too busy with my friends. well, he never cared anyway what others would feel, what i would feel. he's just plain insensitive!

i continued my daily routine of going to AS for snacks and then to the dorm to get my training stuff. february 14 was somewhat special this year. i had a date. hahaha! i dunno if it really was a date. after texting me with really late, i still agreed to spend the first fair day with him (di to c heartbreaker ha!) hehehe. i was in katipunan until around 11pm and we met to spend the remaining hours of hearts day together.

it was just plain talk and walk around the fair. bumping every now and then with people we know, including past loves and crushes..hehehe...so much for being bitter! we called it a night at aroung 1.10 am coz he needed to finish a project and i'm already tired because of training.

that night struck me.

thoughts...

today is febuary 9, 2005, chinese new year. later i'll be at the UP gym to attend the stunts workshop and the training for the concert. last night i was joging at the acad oval with RJ. there were moment of silence where both of us just kept quiet, focused on jogging and pondered on some thoughts. there were a lot of things racing inside my head, acads, pep life, family, friends and the dreaded love life. here i go again thinking of you. yesterday i talked to a friend about you. i know i'm so stupid. i try to hang on to the good memories that we've had. sooner or later, i have to let go of them. i hope i let go of it now. but, how soon is now? it has been months, still a part of me is chained to those thoughts.

whatever. screw love. i guess i'm one of the many people who experience this longing feeling as Valentines day draws near. another year of feeling lonely and down. i ahve my friends with me. i guess that will be enough to warm me up on monday.

until i get over you

its been months since i last wrote something here. i didn't even remember my username. looking at the last one i posted, i realized that the ride has been really rough. all this time i thought that i'd easily get over heartbreaker. but i was wrong. for these past few days that we have been together, i thought about it and yes, the feeling is still there. i dont know why. i dont get it why i feel jealous everytime you talk to that other person, why you care for him so much. did i ever matter to you? hahay...just another pathetic line for me.



i keep on asking myself why i feel this. as valentines day draws near, i stop and think. yes, i am alone again this year. last year, i celebrated hearts day at Malate with some friends, this year i dunno. when somebody asks me the question " are you happy?" i always answer YES. but then i realize, am i really happy? happiness is of many forms. i sit and assess my so-called happy state. Yes, indeed i am happy because, i have my family and friends with me but there is a something inside of me that is missing.



maybe because i still love that person and that is the emptiness that i feel. everytime i see you i say "i've moved on.".everytime i see you i say " yah,we're just friends.". but everytime you look at me and smile, i end up saying "syet, ang hirap mg pretend.". sad but true...



LR